Gaahl’s Fashion Fix
Satan! Oh, wait, no. Fashion! Yes, that’s right. Today I, black metal renaissance man, shall be talking you through some of heavy metal fashion disasters. My partner & I were sat in front of the TV last night watching my new Stryper DVD when I got thinking, metal is a rather unfashionable genre. I know not everyone can be quite as fabulous as myself but here are my big 5 no-nos.
5. Black Sabbath
Oh dear, where to start? Ozzy appears to be wearing some sort of kaftan & platform boots, Bill Ward’s red tights & leathers combo, Geezer’s blue spotted suit jacket & high waist band or the Mexican day-worker they got in to replace Iommi for the photo. Nothing about this picture is right. It looks like the aftermath of an explosion at Boy George’s fancy dress party. Oh how Elton & I laughed that night.
4. Cold Lake era Celtic Frost
Tom may have made the eye-liner & black wool hat look his own but luckily this monstrosity never took off. I’m all for accessorising but white fingerless gloves don’t do anything for you! As for Curt’s choice of red suspenders & a hand down his jeans, I really don’t know. He wouldn’t look out of place in my favourite film of all time, Backdoor Bum Boys 9: Pool Party Poop Pushers, but playing bass for the Frost, no. Stick to slimming blacks, boys!
3. Adam Dutkiewicz
Previous outfits have included capes & pirate hats but this one takes the unfashionable biscuit! Denim hotpants look fantastic on my Filipino pool boy, Pepe. If, however, you are as unfortunate looking as Adam, I’d recommend sticking to jeans, or possibly a burka. His on stage frolics just scream musical theatre to me. I may give my good friend Andrew (Lloyd-Webber. [ed]) a call & see if we can’t have him play the Phantom.
2. Dez Fafara
Corpse paint is the coolest thing since flavoured lubricant but taking it a step further & getting shitstains tattooed on your chin is not. I know Dez hasn’t been know for his fashion choices as demonstrated on the left but this buff man-bear on the right is just silly. Dez’s primary concern should be to lose some weight so that he can fit into a nice pair of tight black jeans, Chelsea boots, a fitted suit jacket & open shirt. He also needs to get rid of all that beastly body hair, I shall put him in touch with my waxer this instant!
1. Michael Amott
What decade is this, Mr Amott?! What do you need all those wallet chains for?! Call the fashion police immediately! Back to 2001 with you! Black is not a good colour for someone as pale as Michael. What he should do is break things up with a floral patterned shirt, some black hair dye & a nail-studded leather gauntlet. Combining this with some assless leather chaps & a pair of brown loafers will give him a more sophisticated, mature look.
* Disclaimer: This may or may not have been written by Gaahl. This is, however, exactly how it would have gone if he did.