Hello! Welcome to my countdown of shitness. A salute to the most atrocious audiovisual crimes ever committed in the name of baggy trousers, tribal tattoos and white rapping. Well I say that, but I seem to have missed out Kid Rock and Fred Durst. Although Fred Durst, through producing, signing, guesting or just being a cock in the background of a video is all over this list like a bad STD.
I hope you appreciate the suffering and sacrifice that went in to researching this article. I may never be the same again.
10. Disturbed – Voices
Nu metal was the most underground, rebellious music of all time. It made everyone convinced that they were an outsider, rallying against the oppression of modern society. Nu-metal albums sold by the million, and everyone that bought one knew that they were no longer a loser. Oh no, now they were empowered and fired on by this new, awesome soundtrack to their lives, they would strike back at the jocks and bullies (who ironically were the only other ones that bought this fucking drivel) and reclaim their pride. This utter bullshit is best documented here, where a creepy little paedo has murder fantasies about his cooler, more popular colleagues then goes to a Disturbed concert and gets all his frustrations out in his wife-beater. These events pretty much sum up the losers that listen to Disturbed. My advice – if you feel like everything’s getting you down, just kill yourself and don’t encourage bands like this.
9. Coal Chamber – Loco
Oh my god! A scary milkman! Move over Eddie, look out Vic Rattlehead! Somehow managing to be worse than White Zombie and Korn put together, Coal Chamber are proud testament to the never give up attitude that allowed people since time immemorial to really stretch and reach lower than ever before in the search for dirty, dirty money. In recent years you may have undergone a ‘renaissance’ and pulled the wool over some weak-minded groove-metal peoples eyes Mr. Fafara, but I will never forget this and never ever forgive you.
PS Devil Driver are shite.
8. Dope – Everything Sucks
Dope, yeah? They’re crazy, right? They have to play in a cage cos they’re just so alternative and out there. They play a gig and there’s a freak show and circus and stuff there, yeah? They’re well dangerous and subversive. They’re named after drugs, cos they take drugs and they don’t care who knows about it. Then there’s like skateboards, ramps and flames and people just being really EXTREME, cos that implies Dope are extreme. To the max. And they got mad bitches. Silver ones.
Yes I do want fries with that, former members of Dope, and i’ll take the last remaining morsels of your hopes and dreams to go in a dignity milkshake.
7. Deadsy – The Key To Gramercy Park
This band look kind of like The Cartoons, but it’s a shame they’re not as metal. They have zany nu-metal names like Alec Püre and Phillips Exeter Blue I – that one is Cher’s son – and Creature. Now I’m not saying that nepotism got them where they are, but it certainly wasn’t musical skills or hard work. It’s almost like you could see the baton being passed from Nu-Metal to Emo stylings right in this video, as the Deadsy crew eschew dreadlocks and spiked hair in favour of a more relaxed and informal barnet. An interesting little nugget of sociology on display there. They do manage to make the guitars sound like farts though, which is pretty fucking cool.
6. Dry Kill Logic – Riot At The Bat Rack
While most Nu-Metal artistes stuck to covering 80’s pop songs in order to sell records, Dry Kill Logic trod a different, unique path. They covered ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ and incredibly, against all the odds, sold a phenomenal 0 records. Proving that Nu-Metal and sports go together like baseball and Human Growth Hormone, the video for Riot At The Bat Rack is a truly inspired concept, featuring the vocalist arguing with an umpire and the lads looking super tough by walking about with baseball bats – something that 5 Finger Death Punch ‘borrowed’ recently. In fact, this could be off one of 5 Finger Death Punch’s albums. It’s really that fucking bad.
5. Vanilla Ice – Too Cold
Rob Van Winkle had an idea. He saw that Nu-Metal was blowing up in ’98, he saw people covering cheesy old nostalgia pop songs in an aggressive style and getting huge overnight, but there was one problem. Rob was worried that too many of the profits from these covers go to the original writer via royalties. Luckily for him, Rob was Vanilla Ice, and decided to give his own classic tune ‘Ice Ice Baby’ the Nu-Metal treatment, remembering that he’d been fucked by royalties before and so conveniently left out that Queen and David Bowie bassline that he stole – which some say was the key to the song – and replaced it with some down-tuned riffing and some additional turntable scratching. He had done it! Surely with this infallible masterplan he couldn’t fail to match or even surpass his former glories. The result? A bag of fucking bollocks and fewer record sales than Hitler Goes Funk.
4. Methods Of Mayhem – Get Naked
Tommy Lee, not content with inflicting Motley Crue on the world and riding high after the release of his home-made smash-hit porno decided that a career in Nu-Metal beckoned, and so he combined his love of piss-poor music and fucking to create ‘Get Naked’, a thoughtful and hugely cerebral piece of art that should appeal to anyone with an IQ in single figures. He is naked in the video (apart from a fruity little hat) as he raps that ‘he ain’t leaving ‘til you sleepin on a cum stain’. A direct threat that I could probably sue him over, and may well do after having to listen to this box of foreskin. It also features Lil’ Kim and Fred Durst, so in many ways it’s like my very own Desert Island Concentration Camp selections placed right before my eyes, singing about their huge penises or how they love riding huge penises. Still, it somehow manages to be worse than the sum of its hugely cunty parts.
3. Sugarcoma – Crazy
Hey Mr. Marketing Man, what have you got there? Ah it’s a nu-metal band featuring girls, covering a Britney Spears song? Wow, talk about a money-spinner! Can I hear it?
*2 and a half minutes later*
Ah, now, Mr Marketing Man, the mistake you’ve made there is to get a band with no redeeming features to create one of the most lifeless, atrocious, soul-destroying pieces of music of ALL FUCKING TIME. This is like bobsleighing down a course that’s been covered in sandpaper, using your bollocks as a sled. The vocals are diarrhoea, the guitars are diarrhoea and the drums are diarrhoea. It’s just a big glass of diarrhoea. Plus it means I have to leave Kittie off this list.
2. H-Blockx – The Power
This one has it all. None of it good. Fuck me, it’s a total disaster. Like a massive car crash, you just have to keep staring, even when the horrors you see before you will fucking ruin your life forever. It’s a ‘hard-rocking’, ‘ballsy’ cover of an old pop song, the oldest trick in the Nu-Metal book, only this one has a white German man that looks like an extra from Grease rapping about being the “lyrical Jesse James”. Jesus prolapsed. It features all the stuff that adolescent idiots love – pneumatic slags gyrating their plastic bodies around, souped-up cars, and – I assume this what the kids are down with – the singer huffing some oxygen that he borrowed from his gran’s care home to look cool. This has literally no redeeming features.
1. Machine Head – From This Day
Generic metal fan say – “Dude, Machine Head are the best metal band out there. The Blackening was sooo rad dude! Through The Ashes Of Empires was killer, bro!”
No. This is your precious Machine Head. Fucking sell-out pussies who jumped on the first bandwagon that came past, which happened to be Rap Metal. Which is a shame, as a Rob Flynn Reggae album would have been much funnier. Image-wise, they’ve decided to ditch jeans and a t-shirt and gone the whole hog with zany nu-metal hair, Jonathan Davis’ tracksuit cast-offs and… hang on… no, it can’t be… they’re wearing PVC gimp suits. That tears it.
No amount of half-baked groove thrash ‘comebacks’ can erase this mighty musical skidmark. To think that this man used to be in both Forbidden AND Vio-Lence. Even if Machine Head’s next album was some sort of godly, majestic mix of Slaughter Of The Soul, Necroticism and Individual Thought Patterns, the massive drag factor of this video would still leave their credibility deeper in the red than an Irish bank. Absolutely vile.