Inspired by Accept’s new masterpiece, Teutonic Terror, I thought it appropriate to cast my eye over thousands of classic metal music vids to pick out the 10 Most Metal Videos Of All Time.
10. Hammerfall – By Any Means Necessary
This is by no means a good song. It is in fact the foetus of a song, lacking any serious development or progression. That said, it is more metal than Optimus Prime’s left bollock & its brain-dead chorus will be stuck in your head for the next decade. As if Oscar Dronjak’s red leather trousers, waistcoat & silly face aren’t enough, we also get Joacim Cans blowing up a whole town just for our amusement.
9. Nitro – Freight Train
Michael Angelo Batio’s status as one of the greatest shredders in the world could have carried Nitro alone but paired with Jim Gillette’s ball-shattering vocals, the end result is entirely unique & massively hilarious. 4 stage hands lost their lives constructing Gillette’s majestic perm (possibly) but the highlight of the video has to be at the 2:17 mark where Batio summons the greatest guitar known to mankind before launching into 40 seconds of fretboard gymnastics.
8. Loudness – You Shook Me
Japan’s biggest contribution to the world of heavy metal meets one of America’s greatest vocalist for this slice of late eighties Power Rangers inspiring magic. Low budget special effects include Akira Takasaki’s earthquake-generating solo destroying a scale model of the Hollywood sign.
7. Lionsheart – Can’t Believe
Leave The Hall’s favourite frontman of all time, Steve Grimmett, channels Coverdale in a ballad of epic proportions. Smoke, guitarists in the rafters & cheese-tastic vocal harmonies make this video a forgotten classic, even if the band don’t seem to know the words. Only Grimmett could pull this off.
6. Accept – Balls To The Wall
One of the definitive heavy metal anthems, Accept‘s signature tune has an undeniably brilliant video. An army of metallers headbang their way through a wall & Udo Dirkschneider rides a wrecking ball through a church. What more could you ask for?
5. Savatage – Hall of the Mountain King
Jon Oliva & company hassle a midget in a cave in this video. It’s alright though because the midget turns out to be a thieving, little bastard. What does he get for his troubles? A copy of Savatage‘s latest album on cassette. An allegorical tale, this video taught me that it’s ok to steal from the elderly.
4. Manowar – Return of the Warlord
A day in the life of Manowar. Taking your hogs out for ride, picking up prostitutes, playing below-average guitar solos & then spraying the crowd with champagne. Say what you will about them, they are almost certainly more metal than you.
3. Candlemass – Bewitched
Even if you hate Candlemass, and you are a cunt if you do, there’s a good chance you’ll have seen this. It crops up pretty regularly in lists of the worst metal videos of all time. These lists are almost certainly composed by morons in Trivium t-shirts.
2. Judas Priest – Hot Rockin’
If there were ever a song for getting pumped in the gym (or bum), this is it. Priest managed to pull a massive crowd for this video shoot of over 5 people. Note, at 31 seconds, when bassist Ian Hill fucks his line. An incident far less embarrassing than that of drummer Dave Holland who in 2004 fucked something else; a special child.
1. Grim Reaper – Fear No Evil
Here at Leave the Hall, we’ve got a bit of a Grimmett fetish & after watching this video, you will too. In it, he invades Death’s castle using some sort of post-Apocalyptic Mad Max meets Braveheart style tank. After freeing some slaves by breaking their chains with his bare hands, he murders a werewolf with a massive stone slab. Death promptly shits a brick & fucks right off. Grimmett 1 – Death 0.