What’s up with your rating system?

We rate every album out 5 Grimmetts. This is because Steve Grimmett is the greatest heavy metal god of all time.

Here is factual evidence of his sheer perfection.

Grab Your Grimmett

5 Oli Sykes & a request to leave the hall

0 Grimmetts = 5 Oli Sykes. Nuff said.

1 Grimmett means this album was probably made by a technically competent yet soulless American band playing a generic mix of groove & thrash metal and it probably got voted album of the year by Metal Hammer

2 Grimmets means this album has 1 or 2 moments worth listening to but should not be bought for anything more than 50p used & scratched from a charity shop.

3 Grimmetts means you are on the right tracks. Its good, its heavy and its got some soul. Well worth checking out if you see it in a Bargain Bin.

4 Grimmetts means you should pick this up and listen to it on repeat. Its a minor classic that will stand head & shoulders above the usual shite in your disappointingly average CD collection.

5 Grimmetts: this album was carved from the flesh of norse gods, burned straight onto CD by Odin’s rage and packaged by nude 16 year old virgins who lovingly sealed each one with moisture from their tight, unspoiled vaginas aroused solely by pictures of Jeff Waters’ beautiful face.

Black Metal Rating System

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5 Sad Pandas: The saddest kind of panda.

Burnt ChurchBurnt Church OffBurnt Church OffBurnt Church OffBurnt Church Off

1 Burnt Church: Give up, seriously.

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2 Burnt Churches: Dim Bugger’s latest spermstain

Burnt ChurchBurnt ChurchBurnt ChurchBurnt Church OffBurnt Church Off

3 Burnt Churches means they’ve probably stabbed some gays, burned down the odd church & sound like it was recorded inside a biscuit tin in a Norwegian prison.

Burnt ChurchBurnt ChurchBurnt ChurchBurnt ChurchBurnt Church Off

4 Burnt Churches: Probably the latest Immortal album. This is why they will never usurp Emperor’s mighty throne.

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5 Burnt Churches: This is probably either the 2nd, 3rd or 4th Darkthrone album or an Emperor album.