Five Finger Death Punch

Five Finger Death Punch

Five Finger Derpy Doo

If you’re wondering why it’s taken us so long to review this album, it’s because there simply wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to make listening to it seem like a good way to spend an hour. Despite putting it off with more pleasurable activities like trips to the ‘get kicked in the balls shop’ and countless plunges down the sandpaper flumes into the local swimming pool full of salt, finally I had to face up to my duty: My duty to you, my duty to the world and my duty as a miserable turd.

Chances are, American Capitalist will achieve the incredible feat of making you retch before you even hear it. The name lets you know that these good ol’ boys are proud not to be some sort of horrible Iraqi capitalist, and the cover indicates that this has granted them unlimited access to a yellow Lamborghini and two hoes. Pimpin’. When you do hear it, as a right thinking person you will move from the cover-induced dry heaves to the novel experience of ‘laughter vomit’, where your fits of disbelieving giggles are rudely interrupted by projectile sickness as Ivan Moody’s lyrics swerve from the hilariously deluded to the jaw droppingly nauseating.

American Capitalist (the song) is yet more of the piss poor WWE entrance music that for some reason it is still legal to distribute, with a tragically out dated smug-a-long chorus hastily slapped after every cringe-inducing, gruffly rapped verse. Somewhere around this point you’ll probably have the first spasms of all consuming anger; the searing flashes of light, the shooting headache and the clenched fists that are such an integral part of the Fee Fee Dee Pee listening experience. Under And Over It is the same exact song made marginally more turd by Ivan Moody getting all antsy about being regularly being called a prick and proclaiming that he’s so ‘big time’ now that it must just be people playa-hating. But! The clever lyricist lets you know that actually he’s also exactly the same as his fans and that it’s really their Lamborghini and hoes on the cover too! What a genius.

The Pride is a lot like Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start The Fire written from the perspective of a drunk, brain damaged redneck who is proud of such outstanding American innovations as the NRA, NASCAR and Playboy. It’s also a lot like getting your fingernails ripped out. I know I have said this in the past, but honestly, TRULY, this is absolutely the worst song I have ever heard, beating any other contenders that I have nominated during my reviewing career by a truly astronomical distance. This monumental defecation has to be experienced to be believed, though I solemnly warn you that listening to it may cause you to involuntarily shit out your own lungs with rage. About 17 seconds in I was swinging punches into the air to try and kill the music but it just kept on getting past my feeble defences and into my ears, the insides of which were already in excruciating pain from the repeated impact of my brain attempting to escape from the nearest exits.

Just as you think that the misery has plateaued, you find out that there’s a couple of ballads on here too. Remeber Everything could be the work of Nickelback. Coming Down could be Staind. They have acoustic guitars so that drunk hillbillies know it’s time to down their beer and grab their girlfriend by the tits so they can have a nice romantic moment together, and they have lyrics about wishing things could change and how it’s all caving in so morons can appear all vulnerable. Aww, bless, under Ivan Moody’s meat-headed, wife-beating, diminished responsibility exterior there is a sensitive side after all, and he’s not afraid of expressing it gruffly in his little white vest and shorts.

Don’t expect much more variation than this, however. It amazes me how they managed to make so few ideas stretch across the remaining 7 songs. Some of them are about revenge, others about having the last laugh and a couple are about eventually getting the upper hand. If this subject matter is a little too diverse for you then you’ll be reassured by the fact that they are literally all the same terrible Nu-metal song garnished with one or more of – horrendous crooned singing, hilarious growls or the worst Vanilla Ice style rapping since Vanilla Ice himself telling you how much he hates everyone and how terrible life is. There is less talent on show here than in a Chernobyl nightclub.

There is a remote chance that American Capitalist is a genius-level concept album conceived and written with the express intention of making me murderously angry. However, on the assumption that it isn’t, I can say that if you like this, then you, Sir, are worse than a Juggalo. If you can relate to its base level messages of overcoming adversity then you truly have never faced any adversity whatsoever in your life and you should wait until you turn 14, try to grow some pubes, and realise that your mum shouting at you is not the system keeping you down. If this is the uplifting soundtrack that gets you through a tough breakup then I hope you get knob cancer. It’s just a shame that we do indeed live in a capitalist society where 90,000 morons can buy this in one week and they are not ruthlessly hunted down and beaten to death by eugenics squads so that they can’t bring their horrible Five Finger Death Punch-loving children into the world. I hope something terrible happens to this band. I hope they die in the most comical way possible – perhaps their newly acquired heavy bling bling drowns them in their champagne filled jacuzzi, or they are caught by an Al-Qaeda cell and beheaded live online for being infidels who are trying to spread vile capitalist propaganda. But most of all… Most of all I hope I never have to listen to this fucking skyscraper of cunt ever again.

5 Oli Sykes & a request to leave the hall

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About The Author

Strachs
Probably the worst man on the internet, he enjoys Thrash, Death, Prog and Halford. Not necessarily in that order. Outside of music his hobbies include sitting about, moaning about things and Manowar. See how much Michael Bolton he listens to on Last.fm.

  • Ratbastard

    A fine load of well-deserved bashing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001246165076 Martin ‘Gorgasm’ Donaldson

    Best reveiw ever, shittest band ever.

  • Miker

    Fucking splendid :D

  • The Traveller

    This review is factually accurate.

  • Jono

    I decree this absolute truth.

  • Lewisdaboy

    u know wat the problem is with this FUCKIN blog is?  u motherfuckers think u know everything about everything, u dont know shit about FFDP so why pretend?  fuck ur fuckin blog, u wouldnt understand good music if it took a shit on ur fuckin face, and u wright your reviews like a fuckin retard too, fuck this blog dude

  • Lewisdamong

    Here’s an erudite fellow defending the band with a well constructed, thoroughly spell-checked and intelligent rebuttal… And he wonders why people think this band and its fans are cretins.

  • Just Passing

    Fuck this blog…..they know shit and don’t understand good music

    (But I’ll just come by and read it anyway when I’m having a wank)

  • In_Waves

    wow, the more I navagate this blog the more FAGGOTRY I see ALL OVER IT.  u guys know nothing about music AT ALL, ur just insulting great metal bands u probally like, just 2 get attention, thats really fuckin gay journalism right there buddy, fuck u guys!!!

  • Zenothist

    Someone is giving their opinion? On the Internet? Heresy!

  • Jono

    I just listened to Remember Everything from this album and just laughed for the entire minute I could bring myself to listen to. I’m beginning to think Ivan might have been listening to Notting Hill whilst writing his lyrics, by that I mean copying and pasting them from said films soundtrack.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeff-Black/821145061 Jeff Black

    this band is the musical equivalent of stepping in dog shit
    only advice to them would be to break up

  • http://profiles.google.com/thomaswassenaar1011 Thomas wassenaar

    Haha this kid just turned 15 got his first pubic hair and started talking shit. Lmfao.

  • the man

    spot on review, aside from the overwhelming inclination I had to kill myself after listening to the first 10 seconds of it. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/zenarcadian Mike Mc Grath-Bryan

    >Uses “gay” as an insult

    >Is clearly not insecure about his sexuality

  • http://www.facebook.com/zenarcadian Mike Mc Grath-Bryan

    Here’s the thing – there’s NOTHING to know about FFDP. They’re just another empty, faceless American radio band using the most marketable parts of the post nu-metal fuck-up to make money. No heart, no soul. If you can’t see through the ruse, you don’t belong in metal. Simple as.

    SPELL CHECK: *what, *FUCKING, *you, *you, *you, *don’t, *your, *wouldn’t, *your, *fucking, *write, *fucking. C-minus for spelling and grammar errors.

  • http://youtube.com/Legrugkbdst Le Grug

    This is why reproduction needs to be on a licensed basis.

  • http://youtube.com/Legrugkbdst Le Grug

    It’s spelled “you”, cockwagon.

  • http://www.facebook.com/zenarcadian Mike Mc Grath-Bryan

    FFDP? Good music? What’s so good about them, then?

  • http://youtube.com/Legrugkbdst Le Grug

    Most definitely an F for content, as well.

  • Roman

    Strachs, I officially hate you. This review compelled me to youtube “The Pride” out of morbid curiosity, and now I think I have flesh-eating bacteria in my anus.
    I think if someone shoved a power drill in my urethra and turned it on while I was listening to this, I wouldn’t have felt it because the horribleness of that song would overwhelm the pain. 

  • Nicodemus

    Spot on review; foo foo dee poo is the least artistic ‘metal’ band of all time. Music for redneck idiots…proud to be an  American where at least I know I’m free…to be an uneducated retard.

  • Hobba

    What constitutes a metal band then? What bands do you guys consider metal?

  • http://www.facebook.com/zenarcadian Mike Mc Grath-Bryan

    Oh, man. I hope you’re trolling.

    Either that, or your musical explorations began and ended at Scuzz. Lad… go into a record shop. A REAL one. Metal is many things to many people and that’s par for the course after 40 years and so, so many spinnings off and movements.

    The important thing when you get there is this: IGNORE ALL THE ONES YOU’VE HEARD BEFORE. You heard them before. That’s it.

     Art is a challenge, not a crutch or a safety blanket. Pick up a record you like the look of. Ask to listen to it if you can. Repeat until you find one that really grabs you somehow. Not just with a hook. Listen for intensity, lyrics, keys and key changes, basslines, little touches and sounds underneath the melody.

  • http://www.facebook.com/zenarcadian Mike Mc Grath-Bryan

    True story.

  • http://www.facebook.com/zenarcadian Mike Mc Grath-Bryan

    Why isn’t there an age-block on the internet? Don’t 5FDP fans know children should be seen and not heard?

  • Josh Fowler

    Damn! I’m a fan of 5FDP. I know they’re not for everyone, but your review definitely made me laugh. Thanks for being honest. You destroyed their album….
    Knucklehead For Life

  • Guest

    Coming from the guy who’s ”middle name” is Gorgasm.

  • Guest

    I can understand most of those, but correcting the u’s makes you look like an ass. He knows how to spell ”you”, (which may be the only word he does know how to spell) he’s just shortening the word for the purpose of taking less time to write his comment.

  • Danny

    This review is as gay as Halford.

    Who by the way is a fucking earache. At least Ivan can fucking sing.

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