Ivan Moody Bears The Cross Of Nu-Metal For All Of Us

Nu-Metal is the Answer? Oh No, Wait, It’s Not

What year is this? Is it 1999? Is nu-metal still considered a valid genre choice for aspiring musicians? Is it fuck. Five Finger Death Punch, or FFDP (worst abbreviation since Buh-Fuh-Muh-Vuh), play a bastard mix of late nineties nu-metal and early noughties metalcore. The music industry are, however, happy to sign anything that reminds them of simpler times when CD sales bought them mountains of cocaine, rather than the briefcases of cocaine they now have to make do with.

It’s impressive for a metal band to claim the title of Most Anachronistic Album in a year when Vera Lynn has had a number one album. War Is The Answer is FFDP’s second album and they’ve lost none of the qualities that got them voted ‘Best New Band’ by Metal Hammer. Yes, they are all there: The horrible melodic verses, the shitty breakdowns that even Lamb of God wouldn’t be proud of, the lyrics straight from “My First Book of Angsty Teenage Rhyming”, the kind of screams you’d expect from a toddler with its hand in a paper shredder.

I’m struggling to pick out any unique elements of this album. It is, end to end, an irrelevant turdfest but the title track does feature some terrible, Disturbed style spoken shit including the lyric “I will slap you so hard, it’ll feel like you kissed a freight train” and repeated rhyming of “cancer” with “answer”. They also kindly included a cover of Bad Company. Bad Company would be well within their rights to sue FFDP over, for it is without a doubt the worst cover of a song since this.

Not content with writing some of the most soulless, derivative music of recent years they’ve also gone down the old PR stunt route to shift a few more thousand copies of this abysmal semen-stain of an album. Guitarist Zoltan Bathory (real name apparently) was reported ‘missing’ 3 days prior to the launch of the album. Unfortunately our hopes of body being discovered were cruelly dashed when he was ‘found’ alive & well. Las Vegas police have no record of a missing person report but that’s most likely because he was sat in his hotel room wanking into a pile of dollar bills & SOiL albums.

I can’t recommend this album, even to those of you who love Lamb of God’s breakdowns or Drowning Pool’s awful choruses. This album lacks a single redeeming quality and on that basis alone, I’m sure it’s going to be among the top selling ‘metal’ album of the year. I’m going to start running an exchange program where anyone I meet wearing a FFDP t-shirt can exchange it for a set of stab wounds and some reconstructive face surgery performed with a size 10 Nike High Top.

5 Oli Sykes & a request to leave the hall

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About The Author

Ewen
A misanthropic cretin only capable of hate & compulsive masturbation. Follow or abuse him on Twitter or Last.fm. When he's not listening to obscure 80s thrash, he likes power ballads & torture porn.

  • Godrick

    There is notion is called preferance
    Now shut the fuck you penis licked cum covered faggot. God I bet your dad fucks you every night and you squel like a pig. So just take you 2 inch neddle dick cut it of and fuck yourself with it
    And if you want to reconstruct my face join me in russia and I will have alot of fun caving you head in.

  • Godrick

    I like your thinking
    Godrick

  • Stu

    Is your keyboard malfunctioning? Or are just too retarded to spell? Then again, you’re defending feefeedeepee so it’s probably the latter.

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