I Can’t Believe It’s Come To This
Allow me to elucidate you into the thought process involved in the creation of this EP if I may. The whole premise is as follows:
You know what Shaggy’s Boombastic is missing?
Fucking breakdowns. The musical equivalent of Burberry, breakdowns were once a noble & calculated art form, only used where totally necessary. Now, unfortunately, they are dropped haphazardly all over the fucking place by befringed degenerates unable to master the art of the riff.
Essex’s Forever Never are a fun band. You can tell because on the cover of this EP, one is wearing corpse paint, one is wearing tennis gear, they look like they have a collective IQ of about 12 & their singer has a big face. Anyway, they felt it appropriate to cover 6 classics of varying quality, put it on an EP & force people to listen to it.
Starting on John Farnham’s late eighties mega-hit, You’re The Voice, things begin innocuously enough with a relatively straightforward play-through. There’s nothing massively offensive about the prince of pop’s Who Is It? either. Overproduction drains both the guitar & drums of any soul leaving them sound exactly like every other downtuned, ProTools’d to death, modern metal band but if being generic were the biggest complaint here, we could all go home a lot happier.
It’s on Still of the Night that they really up the shit-stakes. Taking on Coverdale isn’t an easy task & vocalist Renny fails to approach that majestic scream. It’s not until the 3’46” mark that the cracks really begin to show. It’s the first time they make an effort to leave their mark on the song. It’s a shame the mark is a shitstain in the form of ropey screams. Big Dave would be raging if he wasn’t nuts deep in a sexy teenager right now.
On Go West’s We Close Our Eyes, they channel the spirit of Alien Ant Farm but chugging guitars add nothing to the original leaving another forgettable moment. We find Benji Webbe of Skindred watching the Forever Never boys as they kick Shaggy’s 90s novelty pop hit to death. Webbe’s vocals are spot on but Boombastic was a shit song before this & will continue to be after. When not sounding like a shit Kid Rock they drop in breakdowns that the local special needs unit metalcore band felt too obvious.
Lupus faced R&B legend, Seal’s Future Love Paradise is the last track to be molested on this thankfully short EP. Seal would be within reason to sue the whole metal genre about now. The memory of Panic Cell’s recent reworking of Crazy fresh in his mind, Forever Never arrive with this. Removing every last drop of soul from a soul track is probably the most impressive feat on offer here.
What we have here is elevator music. Elevator music for Olly Sykes’ house. Oh & the lift is full of dog shit & semen.