Splayed Ass Masturbations
Why do I write reviews at silly hours in the morning when I should be going to my pit to have a danger wank versus the dark closet monsters. Fuck knows. All I can say about this band Negative Plane, is that they are fucking incredible. Take the best bits of Celtic Frost, all the reverb from every 90s Black Metal band & a fuckin’ massive church organ. What’s not to like?
A wee bit of history about the band, they’re from the USA, which is somewhat bewildering as most US bands of this calibre sound like a fat American eating a packet of children’s legs. They started in 2001, released a few demos I’ve never heard then released Et In Saecula Saeculorum in 2006 which is another slab of fucking reverberating spermgasm. The members go by the titanic pseudonyms of Nameless Void (Vokills and Guitars) and Bestial Devotion (Artillery).
You would expect that this band would be another ridiculous, bestial kvltgasm of an outing but it goes above and beyond. The wanks who blow their over-sized allowance buying everything on vinyl will make Mummy start up the Range Rover immediately for a lift down to the local indie store to buy this for sure but it’s not be limited to, or stopped by the fact that they believe Negative Plane chose them. Stained Glass Revelations is above these kids who are, strangely enough, all under the age of 21 & think they are music’s first & foremost.
I hate to use this phrase but Stained Glass Revelations is one of those albums that’s an instant classic. From the word go, you are just submerged in a mass of occult Black and Roll with mental choirs & organs making the experience similar to blasting a load over a fresh child or fat chick. That’s something I highly recommend, give it a go. Immensely satisfying. The production is brilliant. They’ve recorded pretty much everything bar the drums in a big fuck off toilet or something. Despite this, it sounds vast, old & grim as fuck. Collectors would probably benefit by getting this on vinyl. When they’re old & the house stinks of shit because it’s smeared across the walls as they have spent their life hypnotised by Negative Plane’s amazing albums, this will still sound timeless.
I can’t think of a favourite track because all of them have ridiculously good riffs & a piano or an organ with a slut draped over it. The songs have length but they never get tiresome. Some clocking in at the 10 minute mark so this may NOT be the record to use as your rapage sacrificial soundtrack as your fellow kvltists may get a bit impatient & want a shot of your unwilling victim, THUS leading to some petty squabbling & by this point the kid has managed to escape the bonds tied by Clement because he is ALWAYS useless at securing the tarts. Fucking cunt.
Now these amazing cunts Negative Plane are coming to play Bannermans in Edinburgh & fuck knows where else but I highly suggest you check them out and get down to their shows. I’m away to my fucking scratcher. Work in 5 hours.
* Photo credit goes to the extremely talented wkimagery.com. Go check them out.