Hell - On Earth As It Is In Hell

Well, it’s only taken them 29 years but NWOBHM stalwarts, Hell have finally got round to putting out a debut album. First single, On Earth As It Is In Hell is a tongue-in-cheek (oh god, I hope it’s tongue-in-cheek) tribute to the metal anthems of yore. Combining a dress sense that makes Cradle of Filth look conservative & an average age of around 600, they’ve roped in Andy Sneap to lay down some Priestian riffs for them. Sneap was taught guitar by the sadly departed Dave Halliday, founder & original Hell vocalist. Comedy aside, the track is fairly sexy.

Look Out Ladies! And I mean that very sincerely.

Wa-chren

Unlike the rest of the Scottish nation, you can’t question Achren‘s work ethic. They’ve been working their balls of touring up & down the country with support slots for Vader, Hecate Enthroned, Sabbat & Cthonic. All this work certainly paid off with a victory in the Metal To The Masses competitions resulting a soggy, sweaty buy overwhelmingly erotic set at Bloodstock 2010. That’s going to be out on DVD in January & should tide you over until the start of August when Glasgow’s finest will join Judas Priest & some cunt from Black Sabbath in showing Germany how to do metal.

Frontman, Scott, had this to say :

The Metal 2 the Masses initiative has given us a great chance to take the band to a different level. The whole team at Bloodstock work so hard to make it the best metal festival in the UK and we can’t thank everybody enough for providing us with this great opportunity.

Their debut album is now complete & should be invading your ears some time in spring. For now, you can check out http://www.achren.com for a taste of things to come. As for us, we think it’s sexy that there’s a way for bands play the biggest European metal fests without letting major labels finger their bumholes & hire Ross fucking Robinson to make them a sound like KoRn. Now, go enjoy a suitably low-fi recording of our favourite Achren track, Bastards (on the Gallows or Bastards on the Rack).

Atlantean Kodex

The Golden Wow

Lets face facts, Manowar are an embarrassment now. I found Joey DeMaio’s reasoned discussion
of his thoughts on the new Battle Hymns MMXI recording to be a refreshing surprise from a man whose mouth has spewed more shite than the arsehole of an elephant with irritable bowel syndrome. Then about one minute in he declares that Manowar are going to crash the Facebook servers with their new official page, instantly reminding me why the man is the lifelong president of bell ends. His plan to completely blow Facebook’s mind involves asking the viewers to get 100 of their friends to join in. There are, however, 2 flaws with this: 1) No Manowar fan has more than a dozen friends and 2) It’s the most retarded statement in history. Anyway, the point I’m making is that Manowar have long since disappeared up their own brown eyes and, rather than feverishly creating new batches of epic metal anthems are happy releasing albums like Gods Of War (which featured more talking than music, and what music there was was a load of fuck) and wasting their time on an atrocious modern sounding re-release of something that sounded warm, natural and perfect as it was and, like your kids, is best left untouched.

It’s high time then for the new guard to don their finest leather posing pouches and mount a true metal take over. At the forefront are Atlantean Kodex, providing music as weighty as Thor’s ballbag and twice as cheesy, showing us what the Kings Of Metal would sound like if they erased their memories, Men In Black style, and began again today. The album opens with Fountain of Nepenthe – a 10 minute leviathan to ease you into the proceedings. With creaking galley sound effects, a riff that is more metal than an oil tanker full of titanium ball bearings and Markus Becker’s mournful yet upliftingly powerful vocals, this song is everything you need in your life and more. The following track, Pilgrim, is 12 minutes long and sounds a bit like Dark Avenger would if it was written by an old, grey haired Templar Knight who had fought in 1000 brutal battles using only his bare knuckles as a weapon before forging a guitar from the fear and pain of his enemies. It can only be described as a journey. A journey to boner city in the year 1100 and back again.

Temple Of Katholic Magick is another massively grandiose proclamation of medieval preposterousness, with some of the most incredibly overblown yet spine tingling lyrics ever committed to parchment. How can you not enjoy a man sincerely singing “Never yield! Never lay down your sword! Drive your spears through the heart of the Saracen hordes” over an arrangement of slow burning chords that are so majestic as to have all other chords curtseying before them in reverence. Disciples Of The Iron Crown is a far pacier affair, upping the tempo without losing the atmosphere, and Vesperal Hymn – despite featuring a line that sounds like “The salty wang of death”, just about sails the cheesy seas of medieval minstrel music that until now had belonged exclusively to Falconer. The Atlantean Kodex is pure, undiluted power metal, raping the living shit out of so called ‘epic’ bands like Rhapsody as its iron battalions and sorcerers gallop over your face, even taking the time to unleash some fabulous power metal gang vocals that reference the bands name towards the end of the song. Right now you’re probably thinking that the concept of power metal gang vocals sounds shit… But you’re so, so wrong.

This album has been labelled Doom, though it has little or nothing to do with that genre other than slow tempos and massively long songs. Like While Heaven Wept’s Vast Oceans Lachrymose before it, The Golden Bough cares not for genre boundaries. Instead it strides across the metal world like a loincloth-clad behemoth, liberally pooping life-affirming, fist-pumping metal anthems out across the landscape for its awestruck inhabitants to gaze at like apes before an obelisk. This is everything metal should be – as overblown and grandiose as possible, taking itself and its subject matter 100% seriously and never pussying out and hiding behind a veil of irony like the Dragonforces of this world. Manowar would be proud. In fact I deliberately avoided looking at a picture of the band while listening to this, instead happily believing that this album was written and recorded by men who make Aragorn, Son of Arathorn look like The Burger King. Men who ride an armoured horse to the studio and men who shit nuggets of pure machismo. This album will blow your pathetic mind.

Enforcer - Midnight Vice

Leave the Hall favourites, retro revivalists Enforcer have released a video for the track Midnight Vice taken from the blindingly good Diamonds. It is available now in Europe on limited edition digipak CD, regular CD and limited edition coloured vinyl.

Enjoy & catch Enforcer on their tour with Airbourne this December. Dates are as follows:

• 02 Dec – London, UK – Brixton Academy
• 04 Dec – Glasgow, UK – Barrowland
• 05 Dec – Belfast, UK – Ulster Hall
• 07 Dec – Dublin, Ireland – Olympia
• 09 Dec – Manchester, UK – Academy
• 10 Dec – Birmingham, UK – Academy

Airbourne & Enforcer

Satan's Little Helpers

Imagine if King Diamond & Ray Davies set out to create the most fun doom album since My Dying Bride‘s much acclaimed covers album, Doom Goes Pop. That didn’t actually happen but it fucking should have. Anyway, Ghost‘s debut is a meaty slab of power-pop cum doom metal with tones warmer than my nutsack after a furious session with the latest issue of Reader’s Grans. Male readers should take note, this is the closest one can get to a multiple orgasm without very expensive, experimental surgery & remembering to sit down to piss as it’s the first album ever to feature simultaneous doom-gasms & moog-gasms.

Things begin predictably enough with a funereal church organ intro but any notion that this is a doom-by-numbers exercise are blown away by the bass-driven genius of Con Clavi Con Dio. Hypnotically catchy choruses on Elizabeth & Ritual will be ingrained in your mind long after senile dementia robs you of your name & the correct method to wipe your anus. The former’s chugging guitars are reminiscent of the early Judas Priest colliding with the rhythm section of Witchfinder General. Stand By Him has a chorus Cauldron will be kicking themselves for missing & lyrics about a Witchhammer so it’s probably my new favourite song ever. Outro, Genesis borders on Pink Floyd-ian space rock leaving you with a nice gentle comedown.

Musically, everything is so gloriously understated. The production has a sheen indicative of a painstaking labour of love rather than today’s usual approach of computer calculated levels. Ghost pull off schlocky, tounge-in-cheek satanism with aplomb whilst never stepping over the line into parody. At just over 30 minutes, Opus Eponymous is as short as it is sweet, completely bereft of the filler most bands are content to shove down our throats.

For the full effect, you should probably buy this on vinyl, head back to your brown wallpapered living room, slip into your most comfy bell-bottoms, turn on your favourite lava lamp & get lost in Ghost‘s righteous grooves. For once you can safely believe the hype without worrying that Public Enemy will come fuck up your shit.

Fozzy

Falter Bridge

I’ll begin with a disclaimer. This review is packed so full of late nineties wrestling references that those of you who foolishly abstained from watching oiled, steroided superhumans engaging in protracted gay-offs would probably be best just skipping the whole thing & enjoying the shiny pictures.

Chris Jericho is the world’s 4th grand slam champion, a masterful, girl-punching heel & he once pooped himself on a place in Mexico. Unfortunately for all involved, Fozzy’s set could only reasonably compare with one of those sparkling accolades. Around himself, he has recruited a musical nWo of low to mid-carders elevated above their station by Jericho’s, or Mongoose McQueen as he prefers to be known on stage, mere involvement. Recruiting almost entirely from nineties metal stalwarts Stuck Mojo, it’s at least a relief that they didn’t attempt to rehash their Southern rap sound. This is most likely due to the fact that Jericho is well aware that he could never top Macho Man Randy Savage’s 2003 wrestler to rapper transition. No, thankfully they stick to a straight forward American hard rock template.

Blasting through fan favourites Martyr No More, Crucify Yourself & Enemy only serve to highlight Rich Ward & Rick Beato’s respective production skills. Jericho’s live voice is the sonic equivalent of a David Arquette WCW Heavyweight title reign & the Y2J chants between every song are proof, as if it were needed, that the 200 strong crowd are here for his wrestling ability more than his song writing. In response, we get the same tired stage banter he’s been rolling out all tour. He really should have cut a blinding promo about how the people of Edinburgh are brain-dead hicks who don’t deserve his presence before putting one of the front row in a Walls of Jericho. That would have been more enjoyable.

Paraskavedekatriaphobia, apparently about Jericho’s fear of looking more like Gordon Ramsay every day, was the climax of the set allowing Ward a chance to pull out his best budget Zakk Wylde impressions as the tempo does a lot to hide the straining vocals. Unfortunately we don’t get their 14 minute prog-epic, Wormwood which is definitely the best thing they’ve ever done.

Finishing, as always, with a cover of Freewheel Burning so badly mangled that even Priest won’t want it back, one thing is for sure. Fozzy’s albums have shown a linear improvement elevating them above the status of novelty. Their live show is a different story. I blame Vince Russo. It’s almost certainly his fault. Then again, if this stops Suck Mojo putting out another fucking album, all I can say is “Go Fozzy, Go Go!”

White Wizzard - Shooting Star

Yes, folks, it’s that time again. It’s time to play “Who is in White Wizzard this week?”. Oh, it’s Peter Ellis, ex-The More I See. To be fair, he’s done a splendid job on the new single, Shooting Star which is a tribute to the late, great RJD. The single is out on 18th October & it features a cover of the Dio classic, We Rock.

White Wizzard's Current Line-Up. Don't Get Too Attached, It Will Probably Last 2 Months

White Wizzard are hitting UK shores in November. Dates are below, along with the flyer. If you are catching them on the tour, be sure to grab a copy of the Limited Edition 7″ version of Shooting Star for extra cool points.

• 05 November 2010 – Wolverhampton, UK – Slade Rooms
• 06 November 2010 – Dublin, Ireland – Academy 2
• 07 November 2010 – Belfast, UK – Auntie Annie’s Porterhouse
• 08 November 2010 – Glasgow, UK – Cathouse
• 10 November 2010 – Sheffield, UK – The Corporation
• 11 November 2010 – Manchester, UK – Satan’s Hollow
• 13 November 2010 – Nottingham, UK – Rock City
• 14 November 2010 – London, UK – The Underworld

Get tickets for the shows from SeeTickets at http://bit.ly/cxBd35

White Wizzard UK Tour Dates

Spiritual Beggars

Hmmmm, this Spiritual Beggars album is alright.

City Of Fire

It was early 2008 when the Cobalt Hotel in Vancouver hosted the reunion of Caustic Thought; a popular local band that had not played together for twelve years. Little did bassist Byron Stroud (Fear Factory, Strapping Young Lad, Zimmers Hole), drummer Bob Wagner (Econoline Crush), and guitarist Ian White know at the start that this special evening would light a spark that would take this reunion further than they initially expected.

After recruiting guitarist Terry Murray, the four decided to rearrange, write and record new material.As the writing came together Byron reached out to friend and band mate Burton C. Bell (Fear Factory, Ascension of the Watchers, G/Z/R, Ministry) and the final member was found. The spark that ignited on that very special night among old friends had now become a spirited new band… City of Fire was complete.

The bands self-titled debut contains eleven energetic and melodic songs that reflects the band’s immensely talented musicianship. Three additional songs were recorded earlier this year adding to the albums overall depth.

Bell recalls of the early sessions

“I have always loved Vancouver. During this session, my eyes were intensely aware that Vancouver is vibrant with life, like a raging fire. This is where the name of the band came from. I was inspired like never before and I believe it shows.”

Musically, City of Fire finds its roots in everything from metal to hard rock to punk, and boasts a more commercially-oriented sensibility; a sound reflective of the evolving maturity of its members and audience. Sonically hard yet groove heavy, the band has conceived a sound that distinguishes itself from the rest.

“Byron and I have always talked about music and realized that we had many similarities between us: the same music likes and dislikes, Byron knew that I would love the music he and the guys were creating and he was right. When I first heard the music, I was excited by the sounds I heard.”

Bell explained to popular music site Noisecreep.

City of Fire will see US release just as Fear Factory finish up their Canadian run of dates which will include their performance at Montreals Heavy MTL Festival where the band will appear alongside Megadeth, Slayer, Mastodon, Korn, Rob Zombie, Lamb of God and more.

Armored Saint

Legendary LA based metal band Armored Saint recently shot a video in their hometown on July 1st for the track Left Hook From Right Field off their current release La Raza with director Jeremy Schott of Mental Suplex.

Vocalist John Bush describes the video for ‘Left Hook From Right Field’:

“BAD ASS!!! That’s how I would describe this video. The photography is absolutely beautiful. Rene, the boxer, did a nobleman’s job and is convincing as hell. Jeremy’s team was awesome to work with and super efficient. Armored Saint was captured raw and with full power. Sometimes making a video, actually the majority of the time, making a video blows. Not this time!”

Bassist Joey Vera adds

“the video came out great and does justice to the song. We were going for a ‘Raging Bull’ look and I think we captured the vibe for sure. Most videos are pretty boring to make but this one was actually fun. We spent some time shooting scenes ‘on the fly’ and tried things out that were not in the story line, meaning we had a chance to improvise. The story line is a pretty good representation on the allegories that the lyrics paint. Good fun once again.”

http://www.myspace.com/armoredsaint1
http://www.armoredsaint.com/
http://twitter.com/thearmoredsaint

Avenged Sevenfold

Ride The Black Justice For Magnetic Puppets

Losing a founding member, drummer Jimmy Sullivan, came as a massive hit to the band with a trajectory & momentum unprecedented in the metal world for the last decade. Nightmare was already written when he passed away but 7 months on, I can’t help feel they went to the studio too soon to record this. I’m not one for guilty pleasures as demonstrated by my fanatical love of Basshunter, but if I were, Avenged Sevenfold would be one. I’m totally gay for Waking The Fallen & about half of City of Evil is brilliant.

Opener, Nightmare didn’t make the cut for the album but after Sullivan’s death, the song was reconsidered. It isn’t a bad song but despite a decent chorus & an average solo, it could do with being a couple of minutes shorter. Welcome To The Family has a majestically gay chorus that is more fun than kicking midgets down stairwells but it’s let down by shitty breakdowns in an effort to cover up the fact that the rest of the song is Metallica’s Sad But True. Danger Line opens strongly with over the top backing vocals & frantic guitar work before dropping into an Elton John style piano interlude then closes with a military trumpet & snare combo as we get a Guns ‘n’ Roses style whistle over the outro. The lyrical content on the futility of war & the death of soldier marks a shift towards more mature song-writing which would most likely alienate their key demographic if they were to ever listen to the words rather than writing them out verbatim on the back of their maths jotter.

Buried Alive begins slowly with twin guitar harmony wankery close to Metallica’s One before moving into Ride The Lightning territory for the solo then ends by ripping off That Was Just Your Life cunningly changing the words to “This is now your life.” This is the kind of embarrassingly obvious pilfering you expect from minor league support acts, cough, Godsmack, cough, not chart-topping, major-label bands such as Avenged. Natural Born Killer kicks off with tight double bass drum work as the guitars attempt to keep up with Portnoy’s feet. One of the heaviest tracks on the album, it’s also one of their strongest.

It isn’t until the second half that things really fall apart though.  From So Far Away on, Nightmare is an unfocused mess of balladry & solos that lacks any serious cohesion. The track itself is a horrible twangy, country ballad reminiscent of the vomit-in-your-mouth horror of Mama Said from Load. Surely, there came a point as they methodically went through their CD collection picking songs to copy when the reached Load & thought “This is literally the lowest any metal band can ever go.” At least, there should have been.

God Hates Us has a breakdown that not even Lamb Of God could be proud of whilst Shadows attempts an Anselmo but he doesn’t have the heroin-infused magic of Phil. As one of the slowest tracks on the album, Tonight The World Dies is actually pretty decent. A cheesy ballad complete with Slash-style solo that never outstays its welcome. Fiction was the last track Sullivan wrote, featuring vocal harmonies between him & Shadows. November Rain-style piano histrionics abound in an emotional affair that really should have marked the end of the album. Unfortunately, we get closer Save Me, another bloated ballad that begins with screeching guitars & kick drums similar to Eternal Rest but loses steam early on. The whole song could have been cut to the benefit of all involved.

No complaints can be laid at the guitar work. Brian Elwin Haner, Jr., to use his non-preposterous name, might be overrated but the boy can shred regardless of what Morons of the Internet ^TM have to say. Mike Portnoy was brought in to record the drum tracks based on the early recordings of Sullivan & he does an uncanny job replicating his style, proving once again that there’s nothing he can’t do behind a drum kit.

Suffering from what is commonly known as Kirk Hammett Syndrome, Nightmare is, much like this review, an over-long & self-indulgent affair with flashes of genius. In the hands of the right producer, it could have been a good album but at 66 minutes, their bag of tricks fails to cover up the fact that their strengths don’t lie in piano-driven ballads, breakdowns or Metallica covers. Avenged Sevenfold excel at writing cheese-laden metalcore with pop hooks & brainless, sing-a-long choruses. Instead, we all have to sit through Avenged Sevenfold’s painful puberty as they attempt to mature with their current audience but for what it’s worth, I’d recommend they stick to what they are good at.

Danzig - Deth Red Sabaoth

Def Wed Shabbah!

Glenn Danzig might have been keeping himself busy with Black Aria II but we’ve not had a Danzig album since 2004′s disappointing Circle Of Snakes & if we’re honest, we’ve not had a classic one since How The Gods Kill. Anyway, horror punk’s elder statesman is back aged 55 with long time collaborator Tommy Victor (Prong, Ministry) & Johnny Kelly (Type O Negative) handling guitar & drum duties respectively. Big Glenn himself takes care of the bass, production & he even has a crack at drumming on one track. Unfortunately he has fired his loyal spell checker who served him well since 1988. I guess he never fully got that fuck up back in 96 with Blackaciddevil.

Kicking off with Hammer of the Gods, it’s evident that Danzig is well & truly over his horrible industrial phase. Instead, he’s back to basics with scuzzed up guitars, searing solos, more pinch harmonics that strictly necessary & that 50′s rock & roll groove that he does so well. The opener is a meaty slab of classic era stuff with a brilliant doom break at around the 2 minute mark. Whilst I doubt the factual accuracy of the lyrics, Black Candy is a one of the best tracks they’ve recorded in 2 decades. On Ju Ju Bone, Glenn channels the most rapey of Elvis impersonators attempting, and failing, to outsleaze Bryan Ferry in an sleazing contest. The album peaks with On  A Wicked Night which starts off with Danzig at his crooniest before blasting into some of Victor’s most John Christ-like guitar work.

Deth Red Moon kicks off with an almost identical intro to Mother but never quite reaches the heights of greatness of it. The major weak point of the album is the 2 part, 10 minute epic Pyre of Souls which has a boring intro before stepping into a song that shows about as much development as a thalidomide baby’s arms. Thankfully Glenn cleanses our aural palette with closer, Left Hand Rise Above which again harks back to his earlier material as a slow burner with some crushing doom riffs. Anyone that thinks Danzig’s voice is failing needs to listen to this track & remember that they are speaking out of their horrid, distended anuses.

Victor’s guitar work is good for the most part though there are a few moments where it sounds like Malmsteen has joined your dad’s Status Quo covers band as his shred-for-the-sake-of-shred solos overwhelm everything else & seem out of place. The bass is almost entirely absent in the mix. Glenn has gone for a completely analogue approach to producing the album & to that end, recorded everything on vintage amps & mikes. The end result is a warm sound that some will find unbearably messy in this age of ProTools & Auto-Tune yet it fits perfectly with his trademark 50s sound.

Deth Red Sabaoth isn’t going to pick him up any new fans though at this point in his career, Danzig has made it pretty clear that he’s not making album for anyone other than himself. He has long maintained that he gives not one solitary shit about what anyone else thinks but for what it’s worth, I reckon Glenn has finally put out an passable follow-up to III.

Fozzy

Heavy metal sensation Fozzy, starring WWE superstar Chris Jericho and Stuck Mojo hero Rich Ward released the video for “Let The Madness Begin” at midday.

It was shot in UK at live dates in May.

Fozzy, who also feature Sean Delson and Frank Fontsere, recently announced a full tour of the UK and Ireland and this week have announced three more dates at Camberley on October 9th, Middlesborough on the 12th and Margate on the 21st.

Rich Ward on why he just loves being here:

“How excited am I about Fozzycoming back to the UK? Where do I even begin? The birth place of heavy metal, the home of proper football, pub grub, curries, treacle sponge pudding and the craziest metal fans on the planet. Thank You Britain for your contributions to my life. I owe you and will be honoured to repay you with one of the best live shows you’ll ever see.”

Fozzy

October 2010

9th CAMBERLEY – The Agincourt
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.theagincourt.com/

10th CARDIFF – Millennium Hall
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://millenniummusichall.fatsoma.com/event.php?eid=28556

11th SHEFFIELD – Corporation
BUY TICKETS HERE: WWW.CORPORATION.ORG.UK

12th MIDDLESBOROUGH – Empire
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.theempire.co.uk/pages/fozzy.html

13th EDINBURGH – Studio 24
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.seetickets.com/see/price.asp?code=486295&userid=%7BA788298C-1F31-4434-AB6E-DDD55F579DA7%7D&filler1=see&filler2=rss&filler3=0

14th BELFAST – Spring and Airbrake
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.ticketmaster.ie/

15th DUBLIN – Button Factory
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.tickets.ie/event.aspx/fozzy-the-button-factory-dublin-15-October-2010/VLLRL

16th MANCHESTER – Academy 3
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.alt-tickets.co.uk/alttickets/home_fozzy.html

17th LEICESTER – Academy
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.alt-tickets.co.uk/alttickets/home_fozzy.html

18th NORWICH – Waterfront
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.ueaticketbookings.co.uk/events/fozzy.aspx

19th SOUTHAMPTON – Talking Heads
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.seetickets.com/see/event.asp?e|artist=FOZZY&n|artist=null&resultsperpage=20&filler1=see&filler2=art-srch&orderby=date,time

20th YEOVIL – The Orange
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.seetickets.com/see/event.asp?e|artist=FOZZY&n|artist=null&resultsperpage=20&filler1=see&filler2=art-srch&orderby=date,time

21st MARGATE – The Westcoast
BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.westcoastlive.co.uk/

‘CHASING THE GRAIL’ is out now on Riot Entertainment
GET IT HERE:
http://www.play.com/Music/CD/4-/13506800/Chasing-The-Grail/Product.html
http://hmv.com/hmvweb/displayProductDetails.do?ctx=280;0;-1;-1;-1&sku=313058

London’s finest are back with their new album, The Final Frontier. Check out the video here!

Nautical Montage is Montacular

5. Mastodon – Leviathan

After the absolutely brilliant debut, Remission, Mastodon invested in a book & dropped this whale-shaped bomb on the heavy metal scene. It’s probably a good thing that they picked Herman Melville’s epic Moby Dick. Whilst we are all still waiting for that elusive prog metal concept album based on Dr Seuss One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, Melville’s imagery allows the lumbering doom & sludge structures developed on their previous releases to take on a whole new level of mental.

4. Ahab – Call of the Wretched Sea

In a serious attempt to come up with the most obscure genre name ever, Ahab are currently the world’s only purveyor of nautical funeral doom metal. Whilst Mastodon may have done it first, Ahab’s interpretation of Moby Dick takes things to outrageously heavy places. Their low tempo, distorted, downtuned sound induces a trance-like state. Combine that with bass levels that tread dangerously close to the brown chord & you are on course for a messy listening session. Bring a change of pants or, better still, get the whole experience by listening to it in the bath.

3. Savatage – The Wake of Magellan

Savatage have (almost all) survived some terrible challenges in their long career & their 10th studio album is definitely their magnum opus. A soaring rock opera which mixes 2 real life events with the fictional account of a sailor who, tired of the word, decides to sail out to sea & die alone. The lyrics combined with the liner notes tell a complex & epic tale which is narrated for the most part by Zak Stevens’ voice, more suited to musical theatre that progressive metal. Chris Caffery & Al Pitrelli’s guitar work is excellent but it’s Jon Oliva’s keyboard arrangements that make this album stand out as a career high-point for one of the most creative & painfully underrated metal bands ever.

2. While Heaven Wept – Vast Oceans Lachrymose

Classifying this album might be more challenging than drowning a fully grown spaniel in a toilet bowl but While Heaven Wept’s unique brand of progressive doom power rock is something special. What they attempt on Vast Oceans Lachrymose would cripple lesser musicians but the symphonic multi-tracked genius on their 3rd album blows away all the competition. Introduction of the new vocalist, Rain Irving, appears to have been the missing shot of steroids that finally allowed them to create this melodic masterpiece of superhuman quality. Epic 16 minute monstrosities & 0utrageous operatic vocals are the order of the day. Dive headfirst into this album, it will swallow you whole.

1. Alestorm – Captain Morgan’s Revenge

Scotland’s finest purveyors of nautical nonsense

Nope. I can’t do it. I was going to write a cheeky wee sentence about them, then we could all have a laugh at their expense but I can’t do it. I got halfway through my first sentence:  “Scotland’s finest purveyors of nautical nonsense” & I had to stop. A proper review of this album reads as follows: Hahahaha Failstorm.

They are shit, end of story. On to the real number one.

1. Running Wild – Port Royal

Rock ‘n’ Rolf’s band made the transition to pirate overlords with their 87 album Under Jolly Roger but their follow-up, Port Royal cemented their crown as king of the seas. The title track, Raging Fire & Blown to Kingdom Come are all speed metal anthems in their own right but it is with Conquistadores that the ‘Wild boys peak. Galloping bass lines Steve Harris would be proud of & a chorus as infectious as ebola make for a tasty combo of Germanic genius. Overcoming an extremely weak production, you’ll definitely need to turn this one all the way up to 11 but other than a single mis-step with Final Gates, a rather pointless instrumental track, you are faced with a classic. Next time someone tells you Swashbuckle are the best pirate metal band, remind them that Running Wild are the true lions of the sea, then run them through with your rusty dagger.

Grand Magus

Heirs To The Throne

A nightmare scenario: Joey DeMaio makes some modifications to his bass prior to a gig. He plays the first note & the resulting vibrations crack the earth open swallowing the band, stage & crowd. We now live in a world without Manowar. Who is going to fill their sizeable boots of steel? The answer can be found in Stockholm.

Grand Magus’s metamorphosis from average doom band to heirs to metal crown has taken little over a decade. As a serious contender for the title of Most Metal Man Alive, leather lunged frontman & guitarist JB demonstrates his impressive vocal range & delivers riffs the size of continents, all whilst oozing pure iron from every pore. There are no technical solos, no progressive tendencies, just a masterclass in fist-pumping metal.

Opening with I, The Jury, JB channels Dissident Aggressor-era Halford to embed the brilliant chorus deep in your brain stem. The title track is a perfect example of what happens when you take your big book of doom metal & apply every single lesson to a heavy metal song. By the end of the song,  you will most likely find yourself topless on a snow swept mountain peak swinging a warhammer.

Black Sails takes us firmly into Running Wild territory whilst Mountains Be My Throne harks back to their early days as the doomiest track on the album. It’s probably my second favourite mountain-based song about mountains after Manowar’s classic mountain homage, Mountains. Everything builds to a climax on At Midnight They’ll Get Wise, which bears all the hallmarks of a future classic.

Without resorting to hyperbole, I can safely say that there’s not a weak track, just 50 minutes of perfect, old-school heavy metal thunder. Now, with the backing of a major label, Grand Magus are set to take the world by storm, make sure not to stand in their way. All hail the Hammer of the North.

We need a montage

1. Megadeth – Endgame

This had to be the number one. It’s just very important to have Megadeth existing and putting out some proper music again. I still think that they can improve on this, but for the time being, enjoy Mustaine sneering and thoroughly thrashing his tits off once more.

2. Exivious – Exivious

Just an incredible album, all instrumental featuring the half of Cynic that weren’t on Death’s Human album and the drummer from Textures. For me Exivious comes across even stronger than Cynic’s Traced in Air (which was itself amazing), with the mandatory shit load of crazy time changes and jazz club vibe. Some 5 Finger Death Punch fans might call it meandering wank but they’re ignorant, inbred cunts so fuck them. If this had been the follow up to Focus and they’d added some robot vocals into the mixer then the entire world may very well have exploded, unable to contain the jazz metal mastery and tsunami of critical acclaim.

3. While Heaven Wept – Vast Oceans Lachrymose

This majestic behemoth of an album came out of nowhere and blew me away. While Heaven Wept meld powerful doom riffs to progressive structures and soaring vocals that would make Fates Warning cry sweet tears of jizz and Dream Theater vomit as their grasp of atmospherics is shown to be pitiful in comparison. It’s like a giant (possibly some sort of mutant Joey DiMaio created by mad Manowar worshipping scientists in the heart of Germany) striding across the world saying “This is heavy metal, what the fuck are you going to do about it?” and the answer, of course, is rock out to epic power ballads (Vessel) and 15 minute undulating progressive monstrosities like The Furthest Shore. Yes, some of the melodies are as cheesy as the cheesiest cheese warehouse on a hot summer’s day but I just can’t stop listening to it!

4. Augury – Fragmentary Evidence

This one I’d been looking forward to for quite some time, and happily Augury have moved on a great deal from where they left off with 2004’s Concealed, losing the female clean vocals and upping the prog-factor to new levels. The result is a brilliant Technical Death Metal album that is underpinned by the fretless bass (an instrument that appears in 3 albums of this top 10 because it’s fuckin’ sweet) prowess of Dominic ‘Forest’ Lapointe, who also amply filled the mighty Steve DiGiorgio’s shoes in fellow Montreal-eans Quo Vadis. Fragmentary Evidence is heavy, technical, interesting, complicated and with great songs. Yes.

5. Novembers Doom – Into Nights Requiem Infernal

This band keeps getting heavier! The Death/Doom maestros continue to evolve in the opposite direction of EVERY other doom band that ever lived and, rather than turn into HIM are instead morphing into some sort of Doom Amon Amarth. The album is as bristling with humongous riffs as it is sorrowful passages, and there is a real confidence in the dynamics that showcases just how on top of their game Novembers Doom are at the moment.

6. Obscura – Cosmogenesis

Ah the new Necrophagist album. Oh no, wait, they are still playing to the worlds scene kids on their 68th US tour, as they have been for the last FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Well they can consider their throne well and truly usurped by Obscura’s Cosmogenesis, featuring two of the members that made Necrophagist’s Epitaph so awesome in 2004. You snooze you lose. The requisite neo-classical solos are there, dizzying passages of technicality and… hang on… some extremely melodic interludes that elevate this above the massed tech-death hordes.

7. Insomnium – Across the Dark

Insomnium evolve again, moving further away from the outright Gothenburg worship of old to what verges on Amorphis-channelling on this, their fourth album. There’s something in that Finnish water. A much more introspective album than anything that has gone before it, with only occasional bursts of melodeath being tastefully scattered across the frosty landscape they conjour. With this they have managed to be both less accessible and more accessible at the same time. My brain hurts.

8. Nile – Those Whom the Gods Detest

Worthy of a place in the top 10 for re-affirming my faith in them after the disappointing Ithyphallic, they are back up there at the pinnacle of death metal where they belong. Crushing, frenzied yet classy.

9. Dying Fetus – Descend Into Depravity

Dying Fetus give everyone another lesson in violence with this album, not re-inventing the wheel but just adding more spikes on to it and driving very fast over your face. The album is more fluent than their last couple of releases, and the production is meatier than Pavarotti eating a meat pie. This transforms songs like Atrocious By Nature and Shepherds Commandment into the musical manifestation of Charles Bronson – Fucking nuggets and not to be messed with.

10. Cauldron – Chained to the Nite

This sneaks into the top 10 just for the sheer number of listens I managed to give this album during the summer. Classic (in the sense that these songs could all have been released 30 years ago) metal all the way, with sing alongs a-plenty and enough denim and leather to equip the next 14,672 Saxon conventions.

Just missing out:

Amorphis – Skyforger
Suffocation – Blood Oath
Skeletonwitch – Breathing The Fire
Immortal – All Shall Fall
Alice in Chains – Black Gives Way To Blue
Katatonia – Night Is the New Day

Blackie Lawless

Not Too Shabby-lon (Sorry)

A lot has happened since W.A.S.P. released their last truly great album, The Crimson Idol. A black democrat president is in the White House, Blackie Lawless has found god, oh & he’s now rocking the Mischa Barton/Yngwie Malmsteen coke bloat look. Currently, Blackie see’s himself as some sort of prophetic messenger predicting a biblical apocalypse at the hands of a single New World Order style shadowy organisation. As far as crazed conspiracy theories, it’s up there with David Icke but as an idea for an album I’ve heard a lot worse.

If you are wanting an epic concept album that will forever be considered the yardstick by which all metal concept albums (sorry, Maiden, Dream Theater) then stick with Crimson Idol. To be fair, this isn’t a true concept album, it’s a mix of spoken bible passages & songs on a theme in Blackie’s inimitable growl.

Babylon features the same lineup that gave us mediocre-fest Dominator but don’t let that put you off. Tracks Babylon’s Burning & Seas of Fire are W.A.S.P. doing what they do best; fast, catchy metal songs with awesome hooks. There’s also a cover of Deep Purple’s Burn that didn’t make it onto Dominator for licensing reasons but it fits better here & sits well with the theme of the album.

The album closes with an epic, slow-burning ballad, Godless Run, on the subject of Blackie’s past, his faith & it’s by far the strongest song they’ve released in the last 15 years. They follow this up with an brilliant cover of Promised Land by Chuck Berry & I get the feeling it may have been more than a minor influence on their classic track, Blind In Texas off The Last Command.

This is not a future classic but it is a solid album & a step in the right direction. W.A.S.P. may no longer fuck like beasts but Babylon proves they’ve still got what it takes to rock like motherfuckers.

Onslaught - In Search Of Sanity

In Search Of Thrash Perfection

By 1989, Onslaught had established themselves as the biggest thrash band in the UK. Power From Hell was a rough, punk-influenced beast that, much like Venom’s debut, shocked the scene with its raw power. Two years & a line-up shuffle later, The Force was released to critical & public acclaim. The punk influences were scaled back for a more traditional thrash sound, longer songs & more structured riffing. Vocals for The Force were handled by then unknown, Sy Keeler. His guttural, snarling style added a whole new dimension to the band.

By 1986, Onslaught were set for worldwide thrash domination. Unfortunately, it was 3 years before the release of the next album. In these years, Onslaught’s new label had lost faith in Keeler’s vocal ability & decided to replace him. In a rare flash of brilliance, one which has not yet been repeated by a music label, they brought in a genuine metal god. Steve Grimmett had already made his name on the three legendary Grim Reaper albums. The label felt their new cleaner sound required a refined vocal style & that Grimmett was the man for the job.

Of course, any question over the choice of vocalist went out the window with a first listen to the finished article.

They kick things off like any sexual experience with five minutes of foreplay, in the form of an instrumental. This is followed by the sheer orgasmic joy of the title track. Heavy, Exodus-style riffing gives way to Grimmett’s awesome voice. The sound & subject matter are both reminiscent of Anthrax’s Madhouse.

If you want a thrash anthem, you are in luck because there are more here than in Metallica’s entire back catalogue. Shellshock, Lightning War, Power Play & Blood Upon The Ice are all fast heavy classics with brilliant guitar work from Nige Rockett & Rob Trottman and the best bass sound Onslaught have ever had.

There’s also a cover of AC/DC’s Let There Be Rock which sounds far better with Grimmett’s falsetto scream but the highlight of the album is the 12 minute thrash ballad Welcome To Dying. I am of the belief that there is no greater musical creation than the thrash ballad & this is one of the best ever. Grimmett’s vocals, Nige Rockett’s guitar work, everything about it is perfect.

This album receives so much hate, abuse, disrespect from almost all sides by uneducated, illiterate fuckbags who’s idea of good thrash consists of Rob Dukes era Exodus, Trivium & Linkin Fucking Park. The fact is this: Onslaught plus Grimmett equals an unmissable classic & one of the best albums of 1989.

Wolf & Cauldron

Cauldron Conjure The Fucking Mass On A Cold Monday In Glasgow

Yesterday was a sad day for the Scottish metal scene. I know it was a Monday night, I know that somewhere down the line posters were printed with the wrong date on, I know there are a ton of metal gigs on this month but I still think that there should be a turn out of more than 50 people when bands of Wolf/Cauldron’s calibre actually bother to do a Scottish date. All I hear is bitching and complaining that no bands play Scotland and then whenever someone puts on a gig that’s not Slayer/Machine Head/Lamb of God, no one fucking turns up. Anyway, that’s my rant over, on to the review.

Facegrinder –

Proceedings were opened by local death metallers, Facegrinder. I’ve seen them before supporting Onslaught and know they are much better than last nights performance indicated. Their whole set went all kinds of wrong. They took to the stage missing their bassist, the lead guitarist’s mum had just been chucked out by an over-zealous bouncer, the sound was muddier than an Indonesian village during the rainy season & their singer looked to be suffering from the hangover from hell. They get a Grimmett for turning up & one because in the middle of the set, their singer wandered off to the bar and bought himself another pint.

Cauldron –

The gig properly began when Canada’s finest NWOBHM (no irony intended or needed) revivalists, Cauldron stormed the stage. Cauldron’s particular brand of heavy metal hails from the days when core was something you found in an apple, fringes were cut using a spirit level & tight jeans were accompanied by high tops, not Converse. The size of the crowd, combined with his untamed vocal delivery meant that Jason Decay’s microphone was almost completely unnecessary. Cauldron are the complete package: catchy, heavy riffing, perfectly timed Priest-esque synchronised head banging, solos performed at a 90° angle balanced on top of the monitor. All this is carried out without effects, without swapping guitars & done with such confidence that you wouldn’t believe they’ve only been going 3 years. The set might have only clocked in at 40 minutes but by the end of it, they own the place & there’s not a single person in the crowd that isn’t erupting with NWOBHM jizz.

Wolf –

Wolf were given a hard task to follow but from the opener, Speed On from the excellent Ravenous album until the closer, In The Shadow of Steel, they showed they weren’t going down without a fight. Despite never quite connecting with the crowd in the same way Cauldron did, the set-list was perfect & they were tighter than a Nun’s cunt. Highlights included Curse You Salem, Hail Caesar & discovering that Lee Dorian’s Swedish twin brother sings for Wolf.

All in all, it was an excellent night that underscored the massive problem with Scottish metal fans & their general unwillingness to attend anything that doesn’t feature Trivium. It’s the latest in a long line of well promoted, poorly attended gigs & it’s no fucking wonder that promoters aren’t willing to risk putting on smaller gigs. Next time I hear a complaint that no good bands play Scotland from someone that won’t support their scene by attending a couple of events a year, I’m gonna rip their fucking throat out, shit down their wind pipe and let a tramp rape the turd-stained esophagus.

Manowar

Theirs is the Kingdom of Steel

Reviewing a Manowar release in any conventional way makes about as much sense as reviewing anal sex. Manowar are, like anal sex, something you will try once and make a life-long decision regarding. To this end, I’m not going to waste my time explaining to you that they are the greatest band in the world, that seeing them live will change your life or that sometimes I have Eric Adams based wet dreams.

No, instead I’m going to advise you on whether its worth forking out £12+ on a 6 track EP, one of the songs being a re-recording of a previous song. At a rate of over £2 per new track, is this a bargain? Well, no, its not a bargain. Its not even reasonable, but Manowar are not a reasonable band.

The EP marks a distinct return to form after the last album which comprised mainly of filler & spoken word tracks. Instead, we get 4 suitably epic tracks on the subject of steel, honour and death in battle. Final track, God Or Man stands out as a an excellent future classic with some surprisingly good drum work from Scott Columbus.

They’ve also re-recorded The Crown And The Ring, one of their standout tracks from their classic Kings of Metal album and, along with a metric ton of fireworks, the song they close their live set with. The new metal version mixes out the orchestral backing in favour of a heavier guitar sound and it sounds as epic as the original.

Special note should be made of Father, a perfect acoustic ballad for those of us with parents who aren’t Josef Fritzl. There is a second disc which includes versions of this song in Bulgarian, Croatian, Finnish, French, German, Greek, Hungarian, Italian, Japanese, Norwegian, Polish, Portuguese, Romanian, Spanish & Turkish. For any other band, this would be a massive undertaking but Manowar probably translated and recorded the whole thing in an afternoon.

I’ll leave you probably the best lyrics ever written:

Hands that never take
Can only give
And because of you
I know how to live

Manowar – Father

I’m not going to bother telling you to buy this because if you are a Manowar fan you already own 2 copies and if you aren’t, then leave the hall, for you are a wimp & a poser.

Ravage - The End of Tomorrow

End of Tomorrow? Middle of the 80s Would Be Closer

Ravage play heavy metal. Not 90s heavy metal where it all got sensitive, not 00s heavy metal where it got all ‘core. They play heavy metal as it was meant to be played. Duelling lead guitars, galloping bass work & plenty high pitched screams. They play 80s heavy metal.

The album starts out with a fast but generic instrumental track before kicking things up a gear or two with Reign Fall. Iced Earth style guitar work & some awesome lyrics make for an excellent opener. Vocally, Al Ravage has a sound of his own. Excellent mid-range stuff perfectly suited to the material but entirely capable of the prerequisite screams as demonstrated on The Shredder & The Nightmare’s Hold. They even find time to slip in a  cover of Priest’s classic Nightcrawler *, but its location right in the middle of the album unfairly makes it seem like a linchpin placed there because someone wasn’t confident enough in the band’s own songwriting talents.

Much like fellow NWOBHM revivalists Cauldron, the biggest complaint you can make about Ravage is that they don’t really bring anything new to the table. However, when you’ve got guitar work this tight, songs that are as catchy as AIDS & the ultimate seal of metallic greatness (an Ed Repka album cover),  you can’t go far wrong. Add into the mix, a vocalist who has a unique raw quality that stands out in a sea of clones and you’ve got all the ingredients for a classic metal album that will have heads banging and necks dying.

Trust me when I say this; If you like heavy metal, you are not going to be disappointed with this album.

* There are a couple of ‘metal’ critics who seem to be unaware that Nightcrawler is a cover of a Judas Priest song. Being a metal critic and being unaware of the Painkiller album is a crime punishable only by a slow painful fire-based death.

3 Inches of Blood - Here Waits Thy Doom

3 Inches of Pleasure

Everyone’s favourite retro metal traditionalists/parody band returns with their new offering. It seems like they’re getting more traditional and ‘true’ with every album, though that isn’t necessarily a good thing as this, like their last album, falls a bit flat. Advance and Vanquish was so ridiculous and over the top as to be beyond criticism of any kind, even containing a trilogy of songs about Pirates that didn’t make me want to vomit diarrhoea for insulting Running Wild (unlike the tediously shit Failstorm). Then, sadly, 3 Inches of Blood made the fatal error of believing they were a proper band with some serious ideas and Fire Up The Blades was fairly wank.

The problem with their last album was that practically all of the core original members left and were replaced by proper beardy metal heads that weren’t just having a bit of a laugh trying to re-write Maiden and Priests back catalogue but more over the top as they were with the first two. Here Waits Thy Doom, however, scores massive points for not being produced by every generic shit metal fan’s favourite midget drummer, Joey Jordison, and was apparently mixed by someone with the surname Douches.

This album falls somewhere between the two in terms of quality, with the band finding an almost Grim Reaper-esque NWOBHM quality on many songs which is obviously amazing, especially ‘Rock In Hell’, about which Grimmett must be kicking himself that he didn’t use the title first.

A definite plus is the departure of the bell end that did the screaming vocals, because they sounded shit, gay and basically just blocked off the awesomeness of Cam Pipes’ ridiculous high notes, which themselves now have a rough edge no doubt brought about by the years of touring. While the riffs and solos are not quite as instant and in your face as they were on ‘Advance and Vanquish’, songs like Battles and Brotherhood, with its promises to ‒take the posers down” and the Manowarian themes of Fierce Defender and Call Of The Hammer are very welcome indeed, especially if you’re drunk, and as far as I can tell, the chorus of Silent Killer goes ‒Never seen, never heard, a sausage way of life!” Halford would definitely approve.