Forever Never

I Can’t Believe It’s Come To This

Allow me to elucidate you into the thought process involved in the creation of this EP if I may. The whole premise is as follows:

You know what Shaggy’s Boombastic is missing?

What?

Breakdowns!

Fucking breakdowns. The musical equivalent of Burberry, breakdowns were once a noble & calculated art form, only used where totally necessary. Now, unfortunately, they are dropped haphazardly all over the fucking place by befringed degenerates unable to master the art of the riff.

Essex’s Forever Never are a fun band. You can tell because on the cover of this EP, one is wearing corpse paint, one is wearing tennis gear, they look like they have a collective IQ of about 12 & their singer has a big face. Anyway, they felt it appropriate to cover 6 classics of varying quality, put it on an EP & force people to listen to it.

Starting on John Farnham’s late eighties mega-hit, You’re The Voice, things begin innocuously enough with a relatively straightforward play-through. There’s nothing massively offensive about the prince of pop’s Who Is It? either. Overproduction drains both the guitar & drums of any soul leaving them sound exactly like every other downtuned, ProTools’d to death, modern metal band but if being generic were the biggest complaint here, we could all go home a lot happier.

It’s on Still of the Night that they really up the shit-stakes. Taking on Coverdale isn’t an easy task & vocalist Renny fails to approach that majestic scream. It’s not until the 3’46” mark that the cracks really begin to show. It’s the first time they make an effort to leave their mark on the song. It’s a shame the mark is a shitstain in the form of ropey screams. Big Dave would be raging if he wasn’t nuts deep in a sexy teenager right now.

On Go West’s We Close Our Eyes, they channel the spirit of Alien Ant Farm but chugging guitars add nothing to the original leaving another forgettable moment. We find Benji Webbe of Skindred watching the Forever Never boys as they kick Shaggy’s 90s novelty pop hit to death. Webbe’s vocals are spot on but Boombastic was a shit song before this & will continue to be after. When not sounding like a shit Kid Rock they drop in breakdowns that the local special needs unit metalcore band felt too obvious.

Lupus faced R&B legend, Seal’s Future Love Paradise is the last track to be molested on this thankfully short EP. Seal would be within reason to sue the whole metal genre about now. The memory of Panic Cell’s recent reworking of Crazy fresh in his mind, Forever Never arrive with this. Removing every last drop of soul from a soul track is probably the most impressive feat on offer here.

What we have here is elevator music. Elevator music for Olly Sykes’ house. Oh & the lift is full of dog shit & semen.

Malefice Confirmed For Sonisphere 2010

Malefice have just been confirmed for Sonisphere 2010 which takes place at Knebworth between July 30th and August 1st 2010.

Dale Butler wants to see you down there:

“After working our asses off in Europe for most of the summer it was great to get home to this news. We’ve had a lot of kids on our facebook and myspace asking us to get on the bill, so we’re really looking forward to getting in front of everyone at a U.K festival again, and recreating the ass kicking we handed out at Hammerfest early in the year! See you at the front!”

Catch them on Saturday July 31, 2010 at 5:30pm on the Jaegermeister stage.

• 24th July – PETERSFIELD – Gedfest @ Festival Hall
• 31st July – KNEBWORTH – Sonisphere 2010
• 28th August – MARGATE – Westcoast

Check out the video for An Architect Of Your Demise here:

Dawn Of Reprisal is out now on Metal Blade

Parkway Drive - Deep Blue

Deep Poo

Ah, Parkway Drive. They’re another one of those bands that I had only heard of on the t-shirts of emaciated boys in skinny jeans. Now, I don’t want to generalise, but in my experience the music that they listen to is absolute, total, complete, 100% shart. I will, however, listen to this album with an open mind and willing ears, endeavouring to provide yet more unbiased reviewmanship for you, dear reader.

The album begins with Samsara, which consists of a minute of atmospheric noise build up then a breakdown. Yes, it begins with a breakdown. Well it’s good to see them utterly confounding my low expectations with such a devastatingly creative and original idea. This, as well as highlighting their crushing lack of compositional skill, also demonstrates that they have no concept of what a ‘breakdown’ is, as you usually need something to actually break from. 1 minute 45 seconds in and I already want to go on a shooting holiday to Cumbria.

Ah well, ever onward, and the second song, Unrest, is just really generic metalcore, the sort that actually makes you want to go to Skynet and travel back in time to murder At The Gates. You arrive naked in a sphere of light in 1990, sourcing some clothing and weapons before setting out to the Bjorler abode with the intention of blowing them away for their future crimes, only to be interrupted. Instead you explain to them the seriousness of what their pioneering sound would go on to inspire, before all uniting to go off together and blow up their studio for the benefit of mankind. This riff then goes into a half speed breakdown, then, lo and behold, quarter speed. It used to be that not being able to write riffs would have been a hindrance to your career, but apparently it is now all the rage and to take just one chord and play it at a variety of speeds is a sure-fire path to success.

This may shock you, but there are actually some decent parts on this album, and at times it could even be classed as enjoyable – in the same way one might take pleasure from a handjob given by the man that has just murdered your family. These parts might be forgivable if they were sprinkled sparingly on an album, as an element used to colour a solid song, but this album is built up from a bundle of little bits – a shout along here, a little tapping piece there… Any momentum that briefly seems to be gathering is quickly interrupted by some atrocious ‘gang-vocals’, a cringe-worthy pre-breakdown shout or yet another knuckle-dragging beat down and the album limps ever on. A mid-paced song, a slightly-quicker-than-mid-paced song, a delicate tapping or picked opening followed by mid-paced song and repeat.

I enjoy a bit of hardcore now and then and I like melodic death metal, but if you compare the contents of Deep Blue to the best in those genres this is just fucking shite, even compared to the relative mediocrity of Unearth, who did the whole breakdown metalcore thing so much better 10 years ago. What really boils my piss though, is that it’s the continued success of bands like Parkway Drive that prevents bands with a genuine potential for mainstream appeal like Insomnium or The Absence from getting the recognition and sales they deserve.

This album is metal music for people that hate metal, it’s for teenage boys that want to impress girls with their angry yet vulnerable taste in music, it’s metal for people that ‘listen to a bit of everything really’, but mainly it’s music for posers. Shit cunt posers.

Ivan Moody

Our second interview* for the site is with none other than Ivan Moody of 5 Finger Death Punch. Leave the Hall correspondant and self-confessed 5FDP fanatic Strachs met up with the vocalist and metal icon to discuss what makes him tick and give a little insight into the band.

Leave the Hall: Good day Ivan.

Ivan Moody:S’up?

LTH: It’s pretty safe to say that 5 Finger Death Punch are one of the most revered and critically lauded bands in metal right about now and are on a seemingly unstoppable mission to conquer the hearts of every music fan worldwide. I’ve got to ask you sir, what’s your secret?

IM: Well playa, it’s like this. We basically take styles of our favourite bands, yo – Crazy Town and Ill Nino – and combine them. Like my main, main, main man Freddy Durst said, it’s about my g-g-generation. Or, kinda taking shit from 10 years ago and putting some metalcore riffs in there. Pretty cool that no-one has noticed! Yeahhhh Boiiiiii, open the skyyyy!

LTH: You are undoubtedly the middle finger of this generation. Like a seething, unpredictable and dangerous mix of James Dean, Elvis, Johnny Rotten and Kurt Cobain only exponentially more charismatic and influential than them all combined. Who has helped you to nurture this incredible gift?

IM: Well you know I gots to break this shit down. My fuckin’ brother of metal and my inspiration, the Dre to my mutha fuckin’ Snoop has got to be Dez Fafara. To be in not one but two of the greatest bands of all time is off the hook! Coal Chamber are so influential to me yo, their music is like my blood and shit. From a technical, riffing side, we’re totally influenced by Coal Chamber, and that ain’t easy yo, only a handful of bands can step to this shit and match Coal Chamber. Then the crazy mutha fucka comes out with DevilDriver – the most extreme and brutal band of all time. It’s like get the fuck out of town home dog!

And getting a beard tattooed on your face? Forget about it! That shit is radical!

LTH: You’ve touched on your influences briefly during this interview, and it offers a fascinating insight into the world of 5FDP that I, for one am thrilled, excited and, frankly, a little over-awed by. If I may peer a little deeper into the well of metallic perfection that is your life, what are your top 5 albums?

IM: Broseph, I only need one albizzay up in this bitch. Only one album can step to me, step to me motherfucker and that’s Fieldy’s Dreams.

LTH: Ah I knew it! Superb choice! I must commend you on your flawless taste. It has been speculated upon by scholars of this fine art that you were lyrically influenced by Fieldy and I feel that my choice of studying this for my thesis is now vindicated by your revelation. There is so much more depth to your lyrics though, Ivan. Would you care to shed some light on them?

IM: Well the key to success in this metal game is you gotta come across as bein’ a bad ass jock. I gots that demographic cornered bitch. If you can be homophobic and call people faggots too then it’s all good yo. I likes to think my lyrics are a window to my soul, like Durst or Wes Scantlin. You got to overcompensate for your deficiencies as a man playa, so I talk about knockin’ punk-asses out and fuckin’ dominating these hater fools, and if you can do it posing in MMA shorts then it totally means it’s true.

And let me tell you something, it’s nothing to do with me being really unpopular at school and girls laughing at me, calling me Ivana, then the bigger boys would push me and I was like “one day you’ll step to me and I won’t piss my pants! I’m gonna be a singer and work out to be real big too! I swear! I swear it… I swear it…

LTH: It’s ok Ivan, let it all out.

Have a tissue, take a minute.

IM: Yeah, so as I was sayin’ I’m a bad ass. You liked my joke about bein’ a fragile pussy just there right? Haha I hate faggots! I’m totally not gay! No siree!

LTH: You were involved in a car accident recently. I, along with millions of others, kept a vigil at my 5FDP shrine, praying that you; sweet, blessed urban poet would pull through and live to shine your bright, beautiful light into our cold, dark hearts once again. I understand this is difficult, but would you like to tell us about it?

IM: Well dawg, it’s like this. Everyday is a new day, I’m thankful for every breath I take.
I won’t take you for granted, so I learn from my mistakes. It’s beyond my control, sometimes it’s best to let go, whatever happens in this lifetime. So I trust in love (so I trust in love), you have given me peace of mind.

IIIIIIII feel so alive, for the very first time. I can’t deny you, I feel so alive. IIIIII feel so alive, for the very first time. And I think I can fly… Fly… Fly…

I’m writin’ a song about it, it’s gonna be a fuckin’ original smash.

LTH: I, like so many other dedicated acolytes am fit to burst with sweet, sweet anticipation of your future musical endeavours, something that, in my humble opinion, promises to be the zenith of man’s musical achievement to date. What’s next in store for 5 Finger Death Punch?

IM: Well motha fucka we just bought some Papa Roach CD’s at a charity shop so we’re gonna see what we can take from there. Plus I been studying some of John Cena’s interviews and been looking for some lyrical inspiration within his mad rhymes. Plus our guitarist used to be in Hilary Duff’s band so we gonna get him to bring some more of her trademark shreddin lead sound over to this bitch and totally beef it up, injectin those mad ‘roids into our tunes like I do to my ass.

LTH: We all know that your band cannot be matched in terms of compositional skill, lyrical genius and technical ability, but if you could give some advice to aspiring metal musicians, who one day aspire to be in a band that makes such a difference as 5 Finger Death Punch or, god willing to even share a stage with you in future, what would it be?

IM: You gots to stay faithful to the classics dawg, pay your fuckin’ dues and win the fuckin’ war. If I hadn’t spent my formative years – 1999-2001 – listening to Spineshank, Adema and the Kings of Metal – Puddle of Mudd, then I wouldn’t have been able to produce the cutting edge shit I’m bringin’ today. Also dawg, let me tell you something, if you ain’t got a coloured, plaited beard or maybe a Mohawk you can forget about makin’ it in this business bro.

And bitch, if you ain’t got tribal tattoos, I just gots just one thing to say – ‘1, 2 Fuck You!’

LTH: Superb, ribald wit Mr Moody, It has been an honour and a privilege to spend this moment discussing your phenomenal musical career.

Thank you Sir.

* Disclaimer: No, we didn’t really interview Ivan Moody. This is, however, exactly how it would have gone.

Ivan Moody Bears The Cross Of Nu-Metal For All Of Us

Nu-Metal is the Answer? Oh No, Wait, It’s Not

What year is this? Is it 1999? Is nu-metal still considered a valid genre choice for aspiring musicians? Is it fuck. Five Finger Death Punch, or FFDP (worst abbreviation since Buh-Fuh-Muh-Vuh), play a bastard mix of late nineties nu-metal and early noughties metalcore. The music industry are, however, happy to sign anything that reminds them of simpler times when CD sales bought them mountains of cocaine, rather than the briefcases of cocaine they now have to make do with.

It’s impressive for a metal band to claim the title of Most Anachronistic Album in a year when Vera Lynn has had a number one album. War Is The Answer is FFDP’s second album and they’ve lost none of the qualities that got them voted ‘Best New Band’ by Metal Hammer. Yes, they are all there: The horrible melodic verses, the shitty breakdowns that even Lamb of God wouldn’t be proud of, the lyrics straight from “My First Book of Angsty Teenage Rhyming”, the kind of screams you’d expect from a toddler with its hand in a paper shredder.

I’m struggling to pick out any unique elements of this album. It is, end to end, an irrelevant turdfest but the title track does feature some terrible, Disturbed style spoken shit including the lyric “I will slap you so hard, it’ll feel like you kissed a freight train” and repeated rhyming of “cancer” with “answer”. They also kindly included a cover of Bad Company. Bad Company would be well within their rights to sue FFDP over, for it is without a doubt the worst cover of a song since this.

Not content with writing some of the most soulless, derivative music of recent years they’ve also gone down the old PR stunt route to shift a few more thousand copies of this abysmal semen-stain of an album. Guitarist Zoltan Bathory (real name apparently) was reported ‘missing’ 3 days prior to the launch of the album. Unfortunately our hopes of body being discovered were cruelly dashed when he was ‘found’ alive & well. Las Vegas police have no record of a missing person report but that’s most likely because he was sat in his hotel room wanking into a pile of dollar bills & SOiL albums.

I can’t recommend this album, even to those of you who love Lamb of God’s breakdowns or Drowning Pool’s awful choruses. This album lacks a single redeeming quality and on that basis alone, I’m sure it’s going to be among the top selling ‘metal’ album of the year. I’m going to start running an exchange program where anyone I meet wearing a FFDP t-shirt can exchange it for a set of stab wounds and some reconstructive face surgery performed with a size 10 Nike High Top.