I hope you appreciate the suffering and sacrifice that went in to researching this article. I may never be the same again.

10. Disturbed – Voices

Nu metal was the most underground, rebellious music of all time. It made everyone convinced that they were an outsider, rallying against the oppression of modern society. Nu-metal albums sold by the million, and everyone that bought one knew that they were no longer a loser. Oh no, now they were empowered and fired on by this new, awesome soundtrack to their lives, they would strike back at the jocks and bullies (who ironically were the only other ones that bought this fucking drivel) and reclaim their pride. This utter bullshit is best documented here, where a creepy little paedo has murder fantasies about his cooler, more popular colleagues then goes to a Disturbed concert and gets all his frustrations out in his wife-beater. These events pretty much sum up the losers that listen to Disturbed. My advice – if you feel like everything’s getting you down, just kill yourself and don’t encourage bands like this.

9. Coal Chamber – Loco

Oh my god! A scary milkman! Move over Eddie, look out Vic Rattlehead! Somehow managing to be worse than White Zombie and Korn put together, Coal Chamber are proud testament to the never give up attitude that allowed people since time immemorial to really stretch and reach lower than ever before in the search for dirty, dirty money. In recent years you may have undergone a ‘renaissance’ and pulled the wool over some weak-minded groove-metal peoples eyes Mr. Fafara, but I will never forget this and never ever forgive you.

PS Devil Driver are shite.

8. Dope – Everything Sucks

Dope, yeah? They’re crazy, right? They have to play in a cage cos they’re just so alternative and out there. They play a gig and there’s a freak show and circus and stuff there, yeah? They’re well dangerous and subversive. They’re named after drugs, cos they take drugs and they don’t care who knows about it. Then there’s like skateboards, ramps and flames and people just being really EXTREME, cos that implies Dope are extreme. To the max. And they got mad bitches. Silver ones.

Yes I do want fries with that, former members of Dope, and i’ll take the last remaining morsels of your hopes and dreams to go in a dignity milkshake.

7. Deadsy – The Key To Gramercy Park

This band look kind of like The Cartoons, but it’s a shame they’re not as metal. They have zany nu-metal names like Alec Püre and Phillips Exeter Blue I – that one is Cher’s son – and Creature. Now I’m not saying that nepotism got them where they are, but it certainly wasn’t musical skills or hard work. It’s almost like you could see the baton being passed from Nu-Metal to Emo stylings right in this video, as the Deadsy crew eschew dreadlocks and spiked hair in favour of a more relaxed and informal barnet. An interesting little nugget of sociology on display there. They do manage to make the guitars sound like farts though, which is pretty fucking cool.

6. Dry Kill Logic – Riot At The Bat Rack

While most Nu-Metal artistes stuck to covering 80’s pop songs in order to sell records, Dry Kill Logic trod a different, unique path. They covered ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’ and incredibly, against all the odds, sold a phenomenal 0 records. Proving that Nu-Metal and sports go together like baseball and Human Growth Hormone, the video for Riot At The Bat Rack is a truly inspired concept, featuring the vocalist arguing with an umpire and the lads looking super tough by walking about with baseball bats – something that 5 Finger Death Punch ‘borrowed’ recently. In fact, this could be off one of 5 Finger Death Punch’s albums. It’s really that fucking bad.

5. Vanilla Ice – Too Cold

Rob Van Winkle had an idea. He saw that Nu-Metal was blowing up in ’98, he saw people covering cheesy old nostalgia pop songs in an aggressive style and getting huge overnight, but there was one problem. Rob was worried that too many of the profits from these covers go to the original writer via royalties. Luckily for him, Rob was Vanilla Ice, and decided to give his own classic tune ‘Ice Ice Baby’ the Nu-Metal treatment, remembering that he’d been fucked by royalties before and so conveniently left out that Queen and David Bowie bassline that he stole – which some say was the key to the song – and replaced it with some down-tuned riffing and some additional turntable scratching. He had done it! Surely with this infallible masterplan he couldn’t fail to match or even surpass his former glories. The result? A bag of fucking bollocks and fewer record sales than Hitler Goes Funk.

4. Methods Of Mayhem – Get Naked

Tommy Lee, not content with inflicting Motley Crue on the world and riding high after the release of his home-made smash-hit porno decided that a career in Nu-Metal beckoned, and so he combined his love of piss-poor music and fucking to create ‘Get Naked’, a thoughtful and hugely cerebral piece of art that should appeal to anyone with an IQ in single figures. He is naked in the video (apart from a fruity little hat) as he raps that ‘he ain’t leaving ‘til you sleepin on a cum stain’. A direct threat that I could probably sue him over, and may well do after having to listen to this box of foreskin. It also features Lil’ Kim and Fred Durst, so in many ways it’s like my very own Desert Island Concentration Camp selections placed right before my eyes, singing about their huge penises or how they love riding huge penises. Still, it somehow manages to be worse than the sum of its hugely cunty parts.

3. Sugarcoma – Crazy

Hey Mr. Marketing Man, what have you got there? Ah it’s a nu-metal band featuring girls, covering a Britney Spears song? Wow, talk about a money-spinner! Can I hear it?

*2 and a half minutes later*

Ah, now, Mr Marketing Man, the mistake you’ve made there is to get a band with no redeeming features to create one of the most lifeless, atrocious, soul-destroying pieces of music of ALL FUCKING TIME. This is like bobsleighing down a course that’s been covered in sandpaper, using your bollocks as a sled. The vocals are diarrhoea, the guitars are diarrhoea and the drums are diarrhoea. It’s just a big glass of diarrhoea. Plus it means I have to leave Kittie off this list.

2. H-Blockx – The Power

This one has it all. None of it good. Fuck me, it’s a total disaster. Like a massive car crash, you just have to keep staring, even when the horrors you see before you will fucking ruin your life forever. It’s a ‘hard-rocking’, ‘ballsy’ cover of an old pop song, the oldest trick in the Nu-Metal book, only this one has a white German man that looks like an extra from Grease rapping about being the “lyrical Jesse James”. Jesus prolapsed. It features all the stuff that adolescent idiots love – pneumatic slags gyrating their plastic bodies around, souped-up cars, and – I assume this what the kids are down with – the singer huffing some oxygen that he borrowed from his gran’s care home to look cool. This has literally no redeeming features.

1. Machine Head – From This Day

Generic metal fan say – “Dude, Machine Head are the best metal band out there. The Blackening was sooo rad dude! Through The Ashes Of Empires was killer, bro!”

No. This is your precious Machine Head. Fucking sell-out pussies who jumped on the first bandwagon that came past, which happened to be Rap Metal. Which is a shame, as a Rob Flynn Reggae album would have been much funnier. Image-wise, they’ve decided to ditch jeans and a t-shirt and gone the whole hog with zany nu-metal hair, Jonathan Davis’ tracksuit cast-offs and… hang on… no, it can’t be… they’re wearing PVC gimp suits. That tears it.

No amount of half-baked groove thrash ‘comebacks’ can erase this mighty musical skidmark. To think that this man used to be in both Forbidden AND Vio-Lence. Even if Machine Head’s next album was some sort of godly, majestic mix of Slaughter Of The Soul, Necroticism and Individual Thought Patterns, the massive drag factor of this video would still leave their credibility deeper in the red than an Irish bank. Absolutely vile.

Disturbed

The pale blue glow of the anti junkie UV lighting set the mood perfectly. David sat, dictaphone gripped tightly in his hand, placed between his legs, only inches above the shimmering water. A single groan, then a splash. It was over in seconds. A whole weeks cheesy pasta and Vimto evacuated into the ceramic cradle.

His whole body trembled with excitement. Dollar signs ran through his mind as he played back the recording. A platinum album? A Grammy? Certainly the most exciting thing ever to happen in the toilet stall of Frank’s Studs & Stallions gay bar. Little did he know that just last month, the actor who played Principal Belding in Saved By The Bell was violently beaten right where he sat. The man made it to the parking lot before he died.

David could barely contain himself in the taxi. Arriving home, he dashed to his computer and violently thrust the dictaphone up to the microphone he had rigged. Pro Tools opened even slower than usual, he thought. Or was it just the anticipation. Almost too tense to control the mouse, he clicked the record icon & pressed the rewind button, then play. Captured in digital glory, the chart topping plop. 2 seconds. He adjusted the playback setting. 1800 speed would be about right. No, too slow. 2500, closer. 2650, too fast. 2626. Spot on. The clarity was unbelievable. Immediately he opened his hotmail account, an erection bulging in his cheap nylon bondage trousers. The email he wrote contained only 5 words. “I shall call it Asylum.” *

Ass-ylum

Yes, that’s right, multi-platinum nu-metal titans, Disturbed are back with their 5th album. Now, I’ve always been partial to their first album, The Sickness. The album’s charm lay in its unintentional humour & the almost accidental way the band stumbled into genius choruses. Whilst their first major hit, Down With The Sickness intended to cover the issue of child abuse, it was in fact a hilarious, catchy pop metal tune that fills dancefloors in shitty metal clubs to this day. In an attempt to be taken seriously as a proper metal band, they’ve neglected to include any hooks at all this time around. Unfortunately, they don’t have the talent or creativity to stand on musical merit alone & the end result is an entirely forgettable collection of songs.

An unnecessary intro track leads into the title track where Draiman reminds us that he was always the only good thing about the band. His vocals sit high in the mix & their clarity & delivery is perfect. It is just a shame that the initial momentum grinds to a halt by track 3. Songs begin to blend together as the same formula is recycled again & again. Another Way To Die starts off well enough with a slow build-up before kicking into some groovy guitar work. It has the best chorus of the album & marks the one of the few positive points of the whole thing.

On the song Never Again, they tackle the ever popular topic of the Holocaust. Now, we’ve seen it handled to varying success/inappropriateness in black metal, thrash metal. Hell, even power metal had a go but if you are, like me, thinking that nu-metal doesn’t have the prerequisite maturity to take on something so serious, then you’d be right. Hearing Davey Draiman sing  “Exterminated by the Nazi war machine” the same way he delivers lines like “Get up, come on get down with the sickness” somewhat undermines the weightiness of the subject matter, which makes you wonder if he had to be talked out of putting in some of his trademark monkey noises in too.

The Animal does begin with some of Mad Davey’s trademark “Ooh Waka Waka Waka”s but without a memorable chorus, it just serves to highlight the flaws with this album. My Child is yet another mis-step as they examine the miscarriage of Draiman & his ex-partner’s child. It begins tastelessly enough with a newborn child’s cries but ending with the beeping of a heart monitor is a masterstroke of meatheaded insensitivity. I know Down With The Sickness managed to pull off the whole serious topic, silly song thing but it wasn’t intended & it definitely doesn’t pay off here.

Ending with a hidden track is the ultimate homage to 2002 when bonus tracks preceded by a couple of minutes of silence were all the rage but I really wish it had stayed hidden. Having hit on such serious topics as genocide, stillbirth, global warming & um, lycanthropy, they sign off with a cover of U2′s pop-rock travesty, I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. If you can’t imagine what Disturbed covering U2 sounds like, lucky you! Keep it that way.

For anyone who’s read this far & is still in doubt about the calibre of creative genius we are dealing with, drummer Michael Wengren explained, on being asked the meaning behind the album name:

This is a good question. ‘Asylum’ basically has a dual meaning. Most people assume when you talk about an asylum it’s like an insane asylum. There are definitely some aspects of the music that would tie in with that. At the same time, asylum also has another meaning where it means a safe haven, a safe place. So it just seemed to really fit this body of work and what we stand behind.

It is unclear if he followed this up with a “Derp, derp, derp” but it seems likely.

Disturbed have taken their 1 redeeming feature, catchy hooks, & replaced them with a shot at a more mature sound. Imagine Trivium without the guitar ability, Mudvayne without the slap bass. Without their pop sensibilities, there is nothing left to elevate them above mediocrity. They should take a leaf from the Book of Durst. Don’t attempt to grow up, just dress like an overweight, 40 year old man-child & you’ll sell out shows through nostalgia alone.

* Initially I was planning on leaving my review at that. It was written on a bus in about 20 minutes. I feel I may have put in more effort than the band did on the album.

Vinnie Paul's auction of his toilet comes with a free copy of Stamede to put in it

Hellnaw

super-
pref.

1. Above; over; upon: superimpose.
2. Superior in size, quality, number, or degree: superfine.
3. Exceeding a norm: supersaturate.

group
–noun

1. Any collection or assemblage of persons or things; cluster; aggregation: a group of protesters; a remarkable group of paintings.
2. A number of persons or things ranged or considered together as being related in some way.

Hellyeah are keen to remind us that they are a ‘supergroup’. Formed from such metal luminaries as Pantera, Damageplan, Nothingface & …. um, Mudvayne, Hellyeah’s brand of metal-tinged hard rock sold over 400,000 copies of their debut. In fact, the whole PR campaign around this album is desperate to remind you of these facts. All this implies two things: firstly, the PR company has actually listened to this album & secondly, 400,000? Seriously?

Stampede doesn’t bother messing with their self-titled debut’s winning formula: 12 generic metal songs about drinking, fucking & trucking. Hell Of A Time has the potential to be something more than average but rather than capitalise, they repeat the chorus about 400 times in 3:41 & it begins to grate around number 50. High point of the album is the Down meets Alice In Chains on a budget Order of the Sun. We also get a bonus live track of their previous hit Alcohaulin’ Ass, a proud member of the ‘lol wut’ school of song naming.

Better Man tries to wander into epic southern ballad territory but ends up wallowing somewhere closer to Staind than Skynyrd. In a spectacular display of  unintentional irony, this cautionary tale about the dangers of alcohol addiction & drunken parents fits really well in the middle of a collection of songs about partying. I hear the next album is going to be called Guns Are Fucking Cool & feature a ballad about Nathan Gale.

Musically, they take no risks & the end result is a bland sandwich of their respective sounds. There is a healthy level of cheese & that’s about the only positive to take from it. If an anemic Reinventing The Steel decided to recruit a nu-metal dream team that would lose a University Challenge showdown with Motley Crue, you’d probably end up with Hellyeah. Needless to say, Vinnie Paul’s stature adds considerable weight (as does his tits) & I have no doubt this will sell 400,000 copies through a combination of inbreeding, low IQs & nostalgia.

Hellyeah are a testament to the power of goodwill. Sometimes you have to march up to the orphaned child and say, I know your family is dead, but that drawing is fucking shite son. Chad Gray helpfully asks “Am  I Alive & Well, Or Just Wasting Space” on the song Alive & Well. Unfortunately for Hellyeah, it’s the latter. They are indeed a group & they do exceed a norm thereby meeting all the criteria of a supergroup. It’s just a shame they are supershit.

0.5 Grimmetts *

* The half Grimmett is given only because this isn’t quite as awful as War Is The Answer & I don’t want to devalue the humiliation of receiving a 5 Oli Sykes.

Ivan Moody

Our second interview* for the site is with none other than Ivan Moody of 5 Finger Death Punch. Leave the Hall correspondant and self-confessed 5FDP fanatic Strachs met up with the vocalist and metal icon to discuss what makes him tick and give a little insight into the band.

Leave the Hall: Good day Ivan.

Ivan Moody:S’up?

LTH: It’s pretty safe to say that 5 Finger Death Punch are one of the most revered and critically lauded bands in metal right about now and are on a seemingly unstoppable mission to conquer the hearts of every music fan worldwide. I’ve got to ask you sir, what’s your secret?

IM: Well playa, it’s like this. We basically take styles of our favourite bands, yo – Crazy Town and Ill Nino – and combine them. Like my main, main, main man Freddy Durst said, it’s about my g-g-generation. Or, kinda taking shit from 10 years ago and putting some metalcore riffs in there. Pretty cool that no-one has noticed! Yeahhhh Boiiiiii, open the skyyyy!

LTH: You are undoubtedly the middle finger of this generation. Like a seething, unpredictable and dangerous mix of James Dean, Elvis, Johnny Rotten and Kurt Cobain only exponentially more charismatic and influential than them all combined. Who has helped you to nurture this incredible gift?

IM: Well you know I gots to break this shit down. My fuckin’ brother of metal and my inspiration, the Dre to my mutha fuckin’ Snoop has got to be Dez Fafara. To be in not one but two of the greatest bands of all time is off the hook! Coal Chamber are so influential to me yo, their music is like my blood and shit. From a technical, riffing side, we’re totally influenced by Coal Chamber, and that ain’t easy yo, only a handful of bands can step to this shit and match Coal Chamber. Then the crazy mutha fucka comes out with DevilDriver – the most extreme and brutal band of all time. It’s like get the fuck out of town home dog!

And getting a beard tattooed on your face? Forget about it! That shit is radical!

LTH: You’ve touched on your influences briefly during this interview, and it offers a fascinating insight into the world of 5FDP that I, for one am thrilled, excited and, frankly, a little over-awed by. If I may peer a little deeper into the well of metallic perfection that is your life, what are your top 5 albums?

IM: Broseph, I only need one albizzay up in this bitch. Only one album can step to me, step to me motherfucker and that’s Fieldy’s Dreams.

LTH: Ah I knew it! Superb choice! I must commend you on your flawless taste. It has been speculated upon by scholars of this fine art that you were lyrically influenced by Fieldy and I feel that my choice of studying this for my thesis is now vindicated by your revelation. There is so much more depth to your lyrics though, Ivan. Would you care to shed some light on them?

IM: Well the key to success in this metal game is you gotta come across as bein’ a bad ass jock. I gots that demographic cornered bitch. If you can be homophobic and call people faggots too then it’s all good yo. I likes to think my lyrics are a window to my soul, like Durst or Wes Scantlin. You got to overcompensate for your deficiencies as a man playa, so I talk about knockin’ punk-asses out and fuckin’ dominating these hater fools, and if you can do it posing in MMA shorts then it totally means it’s true.

And let me tell you something, it’s nothing to do with me being really unpopular at school and girls laughing at me, calling me Ivana, then the bigger boys would push me and I was like “one day you’ll step to me and I won’t piss my pants! I’m gonna be a singer and work out to be real big too! I swear! I swear it… I swear it…

LTH: It’s ok Ivan, let it all out.

Have a tissue, take a minute.

IM: Yeah, so as I was sayin’ I’m a bad ass. You liked my joke about bein’ a fragile pussy just there right? Haha I hate faggots! I’m totally not gay! No siree!

LTH: You were involved in a car accident recently. I, along with millions of others, kept a vigil at my 5FDP shrine, praying that you; sweet, blessed urban poet would pull through and live to shine your bright, beautiful light into our cold, dark hearts once again. I understand this is difficult, but would you like to tell us about it?

IM: Well dawg, it’s like this. Everyday is a new day, I’m thankful for every breath I take.
I won’t take you for granted, so I learn from my mistakes. It’s beyond my control, sometimes it’s best to let go, whatever happens in this lifetime. So I trust in love (so I trust in love), you have given me peace of mind.

IIIIIIII feel so alive, for the very first time. I can’t deny you, I feel so alive. IIIIII feel so alive, for the very first time. And I think I can fly… Fly… Fly…

I’m writin’ a song about it, it’s gonna be a fuckin’ original smash.

LTH: I, like so many other dedicated acolytes am fit to burst with sweet, sweet anticipation of your future musical endeavours, something that, in my humble opinion, promises to be the zenith of man’s musical achievement to date. What’s next in store for 5 Finger Death Punch?

IM: Well motha fucka we just bought some Papa Roach CD’s at a charity shop so we’re gonna see what we can take from there. Plus I been studying some of John Cena’s interviews and been looking for some lyrical inspiration within his mad rhymes. Plus our guitarist used to be in Hilary Duff’s band so we gonna get him to bring some more of her trademark shreddin lead sound over to this bitch and totally beef it up, injectin those mad ‘roids into our tunes like I do to my ass.

LTH: We all know that your band cannot be matched in terms of compositional skill, lyrical genius and technical ability, but if you could give some advice to aspiring metal musicians, who one day aspire to be in a band that makes such a difference as 5 Finger Death Punch or, god willing to even share a stage with you in future, what would it be?

IM: You gots to stay faithful to the classics dawg, pay your fuckin’ dues and win the fuckin’ war. If I hadn’t spent my formative years – 1999-2001 – listening to Spineshank, Adema and the Kings of Metal – Puddle of Mudd, then I wouldn’t have been able to produce the cutting edge shit I’m bringin’ today. Also dawg, let me tell you something, if you ain’t got a coloured, plaited beard or maybe a Mohawk you can forget about makin’ it in this business bro.

And bitch, if you ain’t got tribal tattoos, I just gots just one thing to say – ‘1, 2 Fuck You!’

LTH: Superb, ribald wit Mr Moody, It has been an honour and a privilege to spend this moment discussing your phenomenal musical career.

Thank you Sir.

* Disclaimer: No, we didn’t really interview Ivan Moody. This is, however, exactly how it would have gone.

Ivan Moody Bears The Cross Of Nu-Metal For All Of Us

Nu-Metal is the Answer? Oh No, Wait, It’s Not

What year is this? Is it 1999? Is nu-metal still considered a valid genre choice for aspiring musicians? Is it fuck. Five Finger Death Punch, or FFDP (worst abbreviation since Buh-Fuh-Muh-Vuh), play a bastard mix of late nineties nu-metal and early noughties metalcore. The music industry are, however, happy to sign anything that reminds them of simpler times when CD sales bought them mountains of cocaine, rather than the briefcases of cocaine they now have to make do with.

It’s impressive for a metal band to claim the title of Most Anachronistic Album in a year when Vera Lynn has had a number one album. War Is The Answer is FFDP’s second album and they’ve lost none of the qualities that got them voted ‘Best New Band’ by Metal Hammer. Yes, they are all there: The horrible melodic verses, the shitty breakdowns that even Lamb of God wouldn’t be proud of, the lyrics straight from “My First Book of Angsty Teenage Rhyming”, the kind of screams you’d expect from a toddler with its hand in a paper shredder.

I’m struggling to pick out any unique elements of this album. It is, end to end, an irrelevant turdfest but the title track does feature some terrible, Disturbed style spoken shit including the lyric “I will slap you so hard, it’ll feel like you kissed a freight train” and repeated rhyming of “cancer” with “answer”. They also kindly included a cover of Bad Company. Bad Company would be well within their rights to sue FFDP over, for it is without a doubt the worst cover of a song since this.

Not content with writing some of the most soulless, derivative music of recent years they’ve also gone down the old PR stunt route to shift a few more thousand copies of this abysmal semen-stain of an album. Guitarist Zoltan Bathory (real name apparently) was reported ‘missing’ 3 days prior to the launch of the album. Unfortunately our hopes of body being discovered were cruelly dashed when he was ‘found’ alive & well. Las Vegas police have no record of a missing person report but that’s most likely because he was sat in his hotel room wanking into a pile of dollar bills & SOiL albums.

I can’t recommend this album, even to those of you who love Lamb of God’s breakdowns or Drowning Pool’s awful choruses. This album lacks a single redeeming quality and on that basis alone, I’m sure it’s going to be among the top selling ‘metal’ album of the year. I’m going to start running an exchange program where anyone I meet wearing a FFDP t-shirt can exchange it for a set of stab wounds and some reconstructive face surgery performed with a size 10 Nike High Top.